The Even More Random Jottings of Paul Donnelley

Plus ça change, plus c'est la même chose

2012-02-12T23:39:00.003Z

Sophia Loren and Jayne Mansfield, April 1957

Britney Spears and Kim Kardashian, February 2012

Jodie, be yourself - if you know who that is

2012-01-23T16:08:00.008Z

Jodie Marsh has appeared on television saying that she was bullied so much at school that she contemplated suicide. She said that when she was 15 she decided to become model to prove to her tormentors that she was not ugly.

Miss Marsh came to fame in a programme called Essex Wives even though at the time she was still a spinster. From that she began appearing in lads' mags and at various premières and other events wearing as few clothes as possible.

She had a feud with Jordan and regaled the tabloids with tales of her very full sex life, even at one stage rating some of her lovers out of ten. She is apparently obsessed with sex. Her constant jabbering about the subject on Celebrity Big Brother resulted in her being the first evictee.

It would seem that the bullying stemmed from the appearance of her nose after a hockey accident. I'm not quite sure how the bulbous effect at the bottom resulted from it being broken but I'm not a doctor so I'm sure that can happen although I've never seen anyone else with such a feature after their nose was broken.

Appearing on This Morning towards the end of last year, Jodie promoted her new show about how she has transformed her body into that of a bodybuilder in just a few weeks. Host Phillip Schofield asked if it had all been just for the show. Jodie indignantly replied, "I wouldn't do this just for a television programme." A strange response from a woman who after all got married for a television show.

I am not a fan of bodybuilding and am not quite sure what to make of Jodie Marsh's body now. Yet Jodie was never ugly. She had a great body before the plastic surgery that inserted two huge fake breasts and she can tone down the muscles if she chooses but why oh why has she got all these ghastly tattoos over her body? Once the preserve of sailors and criminals, it seems everyone is getting them done. Her left arm is covered in tattoos; she has them on her lower stomach, the backs of her calves and I hate to think where else. They are ugly, classless and will look even more awful in a few years when her skin starts to age.

Jodie Marsh seems a nice, young woman but her overriding desire for fame seems to be making her unhappy despite her protestations to the contrary. Madonna may succeed in reinventing herself every few years but Jodie is no Madonna. Madonna can sing and dance if not act especially well. Jodie can't sing, can't dance and probably can't act and her reinventions are becoming ever more desperate. We have had Jodie the table dancer, Jodie the Page 3 girl, Jodie the kiss'n'teller, Jodie the reality TV star, Jodie the lesbian, Jodie the bodybuilder - what next for the Essex girl?

I just hope that one day she can be truly happy with who and what she is - if she ever finds out exactly what that is.

Merci Arsene et au revoir

2012-01-23T02:09:00.009Z

Last week I was told that Arsene Wenger's instructions from on high are to keep Arsenal in the black, sell a few players each season and qualify for the Champions League. If along the way we win something so much the better, but as long as he keeps to the first three, his job is safe.

I don't know how true that is but I suspect it is probably not far from being accurate. At no other top flight club anywhere in the world would Wenger still be in a job following six and likely seven barren years. If the situation had been reversed and United had won the FA Cup in 2005 instead of us and then won nothing subsequently I don't believe Sir Alex Ferguson would still be in charge at Old Trafford. Yet Wenger is not only still in charge but has the backing of the board. The old cliché has it that the backing of the chairman is akin to the signing of a death warrant yet at Arsenal when the board say they back Wenger it appears that's just what they do.

It will be interesting to see what kind of team Wenger puts out for the 4th Round of the FA Cup against Aston Villa - surely our only realistic chance of silverware this season. Or will he once again sacrifice the cups in the (forlorn) hope that we can finish fourth or (whisper it) actually win the European Champions League (ECL)?

Many Arsenal fans bang on about how we have been in the ECL fourteen seasons on the trot and that Wenger is our most successful ever manager. Both true - but in those fourteen seasons we have only come close once to actually winning the thing, hardly a record to be proud of. Yes, Wenger is our most successful manager but he also hasn't won anything for almost seven seasons and in that time has sold a goodly number of players who should still be in the first team.

Bertie Mee was too quick to break up the Double-winning team and paid the price with several seasons of mid-table mediocrity. Wenger, similarly, was too eager to break up the Invincibles and we look set for seasons of if not mid-table mediocrity then certainly a few seasons in the Europa League, a particularly bitter pill to swallow if, as looks likely, the team from the wrong end of the Seven Sisters Road finishes above us and does qualify for the ECL. Our defeat yesterday at home to the Red Devils did nothing to lessen that possibility.

There are just eight days of the January transfer window still open for Arsenal to buy some big names to give us that final push in the three competitions in which we still have an interest. I am not holding out hope that by the time the window slams shut there will be any new players at the Emirates. I believe Wenger was pushed into buying when we lost 8-2 at Old Trafford and had we lost 1-0, 2-1 or even 3-0 he would have persevered with the squad we had.

There is obviously something terribly wrong at London Colney. When he joined the club, the oldies - Seaman, Dixon, Adams, Parlour, Winterburn, Bould, Keown etc thanked Wenger for extending their careers thanks to his revolutionary dietary plans. Now it seems a player gets a light knock and he is out for weeks. Young men in their late teens and twenties should be able to kick a ball for 90 minutes twice a week without getting injured. Sure, the game is faster but even so...

Arsenal are a big club, one of the biggest in the world. It is not enough to live on past glories. We triumphed in the 1930s, 1970s, 1980s, 1990s and early 2000s. We need to do it again soon. Life is cyclical and so is football yet we have been in the top flight since the end of the Great War. I don't see our place there threatened but nor do I want to see us struggling mid-table. We, the fans, deserve better.

Therefore, it is with a heavy heart that I say, "Merci, Arsene, et au revoir. La sortie est par là"

Oh Kelly Brook do get real!

2012-01-16T12:30:00.003Z

It's January and the sun is shining. It's a new year and things are looking bleak in the Eurozone and Alex Salmond wants independence for the Scots. So things are bleak...

Then along comes Kelly brook with the funniest quote of the year so far. 'I often think if I had been better at focusing on one thing exclusively I'd have had an acting career like Kate Winslet or a career as a top dancer."

Oh Kelly behave, my sides are splitting, no please stop. You are too funny...

Half price TV legends brought to book

2012-01-03T13:47:00.008Z

I write books. So far I've 21 to my name - on a variety of subjects. I say this not to boast but as a precursor to what I am about to write so you will understand and hopefully forgive my bitterness.

I was in my local Smiths a summer or two back when I overheard a man say to his wife, "I wish I was a writer. They must make so much money." I didn't disillusion him. My first book was published when I was 24 and my most recent appeared in 2010. My advances have ranged from three figures to low five figures (very low).

It irks me therefore to see publishers splashing out huge advances on celebrity autobiographies when one, the celebrities don't actually write the books and two, the publishers can never hope to recoup their outlay. I popped into my local Waterstones about two hours ago and there on the shelves are books "by" Lee Evans, Rob Brydon, James Corden, Jason Manford, Peter Kay, Steve Coogan, Simon Mayo, Noel Fielding and a good number more. These books all had one thing in common - each and everyone bore a sticker that read "Half Price".

About three months ago, Smiths had a delivery of a palletload of books about the talentless boyband One Direction. There are two piles of the books, next to the sports section, and each pile is about four feet high. Three months ago, the pile was four feet high. This morning the pile was four feet high.

In the Winter 2012 edition of The Author, the magazine of The Society of Authors the biographer Roger Lewis bemoans the lack of critical faculties in the media and publishing. He points out that he was hired as a television critic for a national newspaper only for the editor to emasculate his work.

Some celebrities can write - Paul O'Grady for one but most take the money, hire a ghost and run. I'm still struck by the memory of Sharon Osbourne going to Leicester, I think, to sign copies of "her" novel and getting caught in a traffic jam. She apologised to the crowd for being late and proceeded to sign her name in a book that she hadn't written.

There is, of course, nothing new in this. Jordan doesn't write her books and if the stories are to be believed doesn't read them either. Naomi Campbell neither wrote nor read Swan yet her name appeared on the cover. Don't these celebrities have any shame? Do they not feel at least a little embarrassed signing a book that they had very little to do with, apart from putting their name on the cover. We know Coco Chanel didn't actually mix the perfumes herself but she did draw the designs for her LBDs, which is more than Victoria Beckham, another "author", does for "her" overpriced frocks.

So what is to be done? Well, publishers will continue to churn out celebrity pap but at least cut the advances so that proper authors can get a slice of the cake. How many real books could have been published, marketed and sold with the money wasted on the books bearing the names of Lee Evans, Rob Brydon, James Corden, Peter Kay, Steve Coogan, James Manford, Simon Mayo and Noel Fielding? It's not even as if they need the money...

Bargain hunters beware

2012-01-02T16:51:00.002Z

Good to see bargains galore at my local Smiths...

The problems with modern football...

2012-01-01T16:05:00.002Z

Having a chat recently with an old chum, we fell into discussing (as we so often do) the problems with modern football - and not just Arsene Wenger's stated ambition for Arsenal to finish fourth.

I listed a number of things that irritate me about modern football. These include but are no by means restricted to:

The linesman being referred to as "the referee's assistant"
Squad numbers - go back to 1-11 and avoid the ridiculous situation of having a midfielder like Gareth Bale wearing a left-back's shirt.
Clubs changing their kits every two years
FA Cup Semi-Finals being played at Wembley - play them at Hillsborough, Villa Park, Old Trafford, White Hart Lane, the Emirates as they used to be. Wembley should be the preserve of finals and internationals otherwise playing there has no special meaning.
Play-offs (and also play-offs being played at Wembley)
Seven subsitutes - two is more than adequate and if a goalkeeper is sent off the team should not be allowed to substitute an outfield player or there is no real sanction. The goalkeeper is the only specialist position on the field.
Abolition of the European Cup, Cup Winner's Cup and Uefa Cup and replacement by the European Champions League and Europa League. It is a nonsense to have teams who not only are not champions of their own country's league but may have finished as low as fourth to be playing in a European Champions League competition.
Having almost as many officials in European matches as there are players - and then still making bad decisions when a linesman and man with radio are on the same side of the goal.
The referee brandishing a second yellow card before showing the red.
Changing the names of the leagues. Okay stick with the Premier League but the Championship? What was wrong with Division 1? And League 1 and League 2? Calling it League 1 doesn't make it any more exciting or the football any better than when it was the Third Division.

Any additions?

Intimate (n) dealing with close, personal relationships

2010-12-29T15:34:00.005Z

Congratulations to television hosts Michael Underwood and Angellica Bell who have got married in New York.

I have met them both and they are a delightful couple. However, on her twitter site the new Mrs Underwood said that the day was "amazing and intimate". I am sure it was amazing but I am not sure how "intimate" it can be with a press photographer following you. Perhaps, she has a different understanding of the word intimate than the rest of us do...

An end to The X Factor

2010-12-14T01:38:00.005Z

So The X Factor comes to an end again and Essex boy Matt Cardle wins.

Was it fixed? No.

Was it manipulated? Hmmm...

One thing has to be said: the OBs left an awful lot to desire.

Host Dermot O'Leary announced Michelle Keegan as "Rochelle". I could not understand one word Stacey Solomon said and the chap with her who urged everyone to "go out and vote" was, I think getting confused with the General Election.

It was also funny to see professional wag and Scouser Coleen Rooney urging Rebecca to "bring it home to Liverpool". This from the girl who lives in... Alderley Edge, Cheshire. Odd that so many people who profess to love Liverpool live nowhere near it. And was it really necessary to have an additional minder every time the camera returned to Coleen?

So Matt Cardle can look forward to 18 months of fame before he is dropped by Sony and the rest can go back to whatever they were doing before the show began. How long before Mary is back on the five items or less till. Will Wagner continue to visit Peter Stringfellow's barber? And let us hope this is the last we will ever see of the deluded, thoroughly unpleasant and totally overrated Cher Lloyd.

If rumours are correct, it could also be the last X Factor outing for Dermot O'Leary, Cheryl Kerl, Konnie Huq and even Simon Cowell.

Here's an idea: let Konnie (lovely as she is) go back to kids' shows - she seems out of depth on anything aimed at anyone over 16; get rid of Cheryl Kerl, Dannnnniiiiii Minogue and the gauche and ludicrous Louis Walsh (whose hair seems to change colour every week) and bring in Katy Perry and Nicole Scherzinger as judges with Cowell.

Prisoners of Simon

2010-10-13T15:47:00.003Z

So Katie Waissell is having problems behind the scenes at The X Factor.

A show "source" tells the Daily Mail: "We had no option but to allow her to go home for the evening - she’s not allowed to stay at home, but she had dinner with her parents."

You had no option but to "allow her to go home"? "She's not allowed to stay at home"?

When did The X Factor become a prison camp?

Do these poor deluded saps really believe it is worth all this hassle?

Sexy Sadie's Story

2010-09-01T15:22:00.003Z

Sadie Frost is, or was, a tabloid regular thanks to her membership of the privileged Primrose Hillbillies set and marriages to Gary Kemp and Jude Law. Now she puts her side of the story or at least as much as Jude Law's lawyers will let her.

M'learned friends hired by Mr Law certainly had their blue pencil out before this book hit the printers. Miss Frost explains why her marriage to Gary Kemp broke up (he was too earnest and intellectual - yes, that surprised me as well. They are not the sort of adjectives you normally associate with pop stars) but there is nary a mention of why the one to Mr Law failed, certainly no mentions of infidelities or nannies. One page they are together and then they split. Nor is there any explanation (for "legal and privacy" reasons) about what really happened at that infamous children's party in Soho (p219) that made headlines a few years back.

Miss Frost does talk about her own drug taking (pp118, 128, 161, passim); her insecurity and her dysfunctional relationship with her father (passim) - could they be related?; her severe post-natal depression that had her sectioned while in America (pp227-228); how when she worked for Francis Ford Coppola the hairdresser hired for the film was not interested in the hair on her head (surely, it's bush not tush?) (pp185-186) and her obvious love for her children (passim).

Perhaps we have no right to know certain aspects of someone's life but then if you want to keep your life private, don't write an autobiography.

Crazy Days could have done with a proof reader - Marrakech is the preferred spelling and we meet Mark Bolan (Marc); Meg Matthews (it's Mathews); Fran Culter (Cutler); Stephen Spielberg (Steven); Pete Docherty (Doherty); Spizzenergi (not Spizz Energy); Beatrice Dahl (it's Dalle) and the fashionable thoroughfare in west London is King's Road not the King's Road.

Should you splash out £19.99 on the book? No, and you don't have to but if you want to read more about Sadie Frost's childhood and early career than about her later life, then you will probably enjoy it...

Pulis the other one

2010-08-29T03:04:00.002Z

Stoke City manager Tony Pulis is an idiot.

Pulis has complained to the FA, the Premier League and Arsenal chief executive Ivan Gazidis after my team's boss Arsene Wenger accused Stoke of being "a rugby team".

He said, "What Wenger's said is totally wrong and out of order. I'm deeply disappointed with Wenger, I don't expect that from a fellow manager. People have a responsibility. That's why there were two world wars, so that people could have the freedom to say what they like"

Yes, Mr Pulis so is M Wenger not entitled to say what he likes or can people only say what they like when it concurs with what you believe?

Jennifer has gone topless before...

2010-08-27T02:19:00.004Z

Today the Daily Mail runs a story that Jennifer Aniston, the actress, will break away from appearing in romantic comedies and go topless for the first time on screen.

Paul Thompson writes: "She is to star in the film Wanderlust, which calls for her to strip off for the first time in her acting career."

Except it won't be her first time stripping off - she went topless in the film The Good Girl which was made seven years ago as the attached still shows...

Who would cheat on Myleene?

2010-08-16T02:33:00.004Z

Myleene Klass is beautiful, sexy and seems to have a pleasing personality. She has a longterm boyfriend who is the father of her daughter so why announce now that she would kill him if he cheated?

Does she know something about him?

We don't all need to know...

2010-07-08T17:18:00.002Z

So Lindsay Lohan is sentenced to 90 days in prison for violating her probation. Whether she serves her sentence remains to be seen but "celebrity" Kim Kardashain, whose father was one of OJ Simpson's "Dream Team" of lawyers tweeted, "Sending positivity your way @LindsayLohan. Love you! Everyone please send LL your sweet prayers. U never know when someone really needs it."

Could she not have just have emailed or texted her friend or - shock horror - telephoned her to offer support? Why does she feel the need to show the whole world what a good friend she is??

Is nothing private these days?

Talentless Jordan will not go away...

2010-06-29T19:50:00.001Z

Talentless Jordan admits that she cannot sing as she again attempts a pop career.

In other news, The Pope admits that he is a Catholic and Brian Sewell says that he has a posh voice.

Drag queen or transsexual?

2009-11-18T04:57:00.002Z

You decide...

Cheryl sings... adequately

2009-10-18T22:47:00.004Z

Cheryl Cole's performance for her debut solo single on The X Factor tonight was adequate, nothing more. It certainly was not "incredible" as Simon Cowell said.

If she had not been already known, that performance would not have got her through to bootcamp. Newspapers ranted about whether she would sing live or mime - yes, whether someone who sings for a living would be able to actually sing live!

I am sure Cheryl is a canny lass but a great singer, she most certainly ain't.

Louis Walsh should be a professional

2009-10-18T21:09:00.004Z

Time for Louis Walsh to be a professional and get back to doing what he is paid for - being a judge on The X Factor.

It was unprofessional of him to take time off. What happened to that old showbiz maxim "The show must go on"?

He didn't lose a relative - not his father, mother, brother, sister nor a wife (okay, unlikely in Louis's case, but you get the point).

As Irving Berlin wrote, "You get word before the show has started
That your favourite uncle died at dawn
And top of that, your pa and ma have parted
You're broken-hearted, but you go on".

Come on Louis, be a professional.

Madness, music and Michael Jackson

2009-07-14T15:55:00.002Z

Has the world gone completely mad?

Last night Michael Jackson should have played the first of 50 gigs at the Millennium Dome - something that was never going to happen even if he had been alive.

Fans gathered there in full Jackson fig to pay tribute to the dead pederast.

Michael Lewis, 25, a retail manager from north London, dressed in full Jackson stage costume, spent more than £1,000 for concert tickets for seven dates.

He said: 'I’m a member of a fan club and we’ve been holding vigils outside HMV in Piccadilly Circus, but the O2 is now the real focus. I think there will be fans meeting here for the whole of the 50 nights he was meant to perform."

Vigils outside a record shop?

The lot of them ought to be sectioned.

Stating the obvious...

2009-06-30T22:49:00.002Z

Breaking news today:

Michael Jackson and Debbie Rowe 'are not biological parents of any of his children'

In other news the Chief Rabbi is Jewish, the Pope is Catholic and bears like to defecate in woody areas.

She is heavy, she's my son

2009-06-13T23:18:00.004Z

Chastity Bono, Cher's daughter, is apparently going to have a sex change operation.

Neil Giuliano, president of the Gay and Lesbian Alliance Against Defamation, said: "Coming out as transgender is an extremely personal decision and one that is never made lightly."

Judging by the size of her, I doubt anything she does is done lightly.

I thought airline security restrictions had eased...

2009-06-07T13:15:00.004Z

Next weekend my wife is going home to visit her family. We have been packing her suitcase and bearing in mind the still draconian "security" measures in force.

You’re welcome to take drinks in cans, bottles, plastic containers and cartons, but these can’t be over 100ml.

How many drinks "cans, bottles, plastic containers and cartons" are less than 100ml? A normal can of Coke is 330ml.

The guidelines add: "Remember, once through security you can buy drinks in the departure area to take on to the plane."

Call me cynical but what is the betting that when my wife gets through security the drinks in the departure area will be vastly more expensive than those she could have bought in Tesco or Sainsbury's prior to getting to the airport?

I will keep you posted...

At least keep the story consistent

2009-05-03T01:47:00.007Z

Gary Glitter was a huge pop star in Britain in the 70s. His career was wrecked in 1997 when he was arrested for downloading child porn and he was jailed for four months in 1999. He has since served a prison term for molesting two young girls - 10 and 11 - in Vietnam.

Today the News of the World runs a story that "blows" his disguise. I hold no brief for Gary Glitter but I have decided to Fisk it.

EVIL pop paedophile Gary Glitter has adopted a cunning new disguise to dupe the public - he's had a Rolf Harris makeover and calls himself Darren.

Dupe the public or avoid vigilantes?

But a curly grey wig, black specs and neat beard couldn't fool the News of the World. We saw through the monster's dramatic deception as soon as he stepped outside his latest hide-away - a £1.8 million luxury penthouse flat in central London.

Parents should study our pictures well. For the child abuser - who is on the sex offenders register - is still a constant danger and threat to innocent kids.

VILLAIN: Glitter hits off-licence in Rolf disguise

After identifying the shamed rocker this week we saw him:

LEERING at pretty young waitresses.

Hang on, isn't it children he is supposed to be preying on, not grown women?

EXPLOITING his hearing problem to get them leaning in close.
ATTEMPTING to pick up young women on the street.

Again young women - NOT children.

STAGGERING home drunk and trying to lure young people up to his flat.

They keep saying "young" people but there is a world of difference between, say, a 22-year-old and a child.

Vile

WANNA BE IN MY GANG: Glitter tries to lure young blonde to his flat for a drink

Even from the back does she look like a child?

Glitter's new look in the style of Aussie artist, singer and TV presenter Rolf - catchphrase "Can you see what it is yet?" - is just the latest in a catalogue of images the beast has cultivated.

He was deported home from Vietnam last August following a jail sentence for molesting two girls aged ten and 11 - vile crimes which we exposed. He also served time in the UK in 1999 for downloading 4,000 child porn images on to his computer.

The News of the World vowed then that there would be no hiding place for the sex fiend.

When he arrived at Heathrow he was clearly the Glitter we all know and loathe.

Was he? Wasn't the Gary Glitter we all know a bouffant-wigged man with arched eyebrows that he painted on not a bald man with a goatee?

But now the fallen king of 1970s glam rock has ditched the silly hats, wacky goatee and raggedy clothes that made him stick out like a sore thumb

He wore raggedy clothes because he had just spent time in a Vietnamese prison. Did you expect him to look he had been dressed by a Savile Row tailor?

Instead he has the coiffured hairpiece and carefully trimmed matching beard, and now wears smart jeans and blazers.

Neighbours at his plush apartment block are completely unaware of his real identity. But when he takes off his black rimmed glasses those mad staring eyes and telltale raised eyebrows reveal the truth.

What truth? We have all had pictures taken that make us look demented/odd/weird, etc.

After living for months as a recluse the disguise has given him the nerve to venture out again.

Is he really expected to stay indoors all the time?

On a sunny day last week he was picked up by a female friend and driven to another pal's place in Fulham for lunch. On the way he stopped off at a wine shop to buy booze.

Glitter, real name Paul Gadd, stayed at the house more than five hours and was looking the worse for wear when he left.

He was taken back home by cab and looked unsteady as he staggered to the door.

So he has had a drink or two - so what? Most of us would be worse for wear if we had been drinking for five hours.

BEAST ON THE LOOSE: Glitter mingles with kids

No, he doesn't. Apart from the fact that the picture looks like a montage, he is nowhere the schoolgirl.

But just a few hour later he was back out on the town - at a posh Indian restaurant downing bottles of beer before leaving with a takeaway and heading off with a pal to a flat nearby.

Glitter's 12-hour booze bender ended after midnight as he arrived home swaying and obviously drunk. Later in the week he was spotted strolling past a children's playground on a shopping trip to Waitrose.

So what? He is allowed to get drunk. Did he go into the playground? Did he show any interest in the children? Were any children even there?

He emerged with two bulging carrier bags clanking with wine bottles.

He left the shop alongside two young Asian girls - one in white socks and school uniform the other clutching a cuddly toy.

Was he supposed to wait until there were no children within miles before going to a shop?

They and their mother were quite oblivious to the stranger's true identity - and his shameful past.

A beggar approached Glitter for loose change but the former celebrity, who still lives a life of luxury funded by the fortune he earns in royalties, ignored him.

What a bastard! He has all that money and couldn't spare money for a beggar. He is obviously still a celebrity or why would the News of the World run a story about him? A daft attempt by the paper to smear him further by alleging he is stingy. For the record, he sold the rights to his back catalogue some time ago and he hasn't had a hit record more for more than a dozen years; he was never a star in America and almost no record shops stock his records, so where are these royalties coming from?

These days he does not work and spends his time drinking heavily, eating out often at Oriental restaurants and meeting up with friends

Of course, he doesn't work. Who would give him a job? And another pathetic attempt by the writer to link his dietary favourites to his past in Asia. He obviously only eats in "Oriental" restaurants because he fancies all those 10-year-olds who work as waitresses there. What 10-year-olds who work as waitresses there?

In one Japanese sushi restaurant Glitter was spotted eating alone and amusing himself by chatting to the young waitresses.

He was eating alone - so what? Is it supposed to make us think of him as a loner with no friends? If so, probably best not to mention the friends in the rest of the article.

And as he removed his glasses for a moment that trademark Glitter look of the astonished eyes was on full view.

He spent over two hours at the restaurant and downed two bottles of wine all by himself.

Is there a time limit on how much you can eat and drink? We know he drank them alone because you have already said he was dining alone.

At one point his wig seemed to slip and Glitter used both hands to grab the back of it and tug it into place

What do you seriously expect him to do - if it happened? Since his ex-girlfriend Alison Brown said he used industrial strength glue to stick his wigs on before, is it likely he would venture out without doing the same now?

His head lolled and between gulps of wine his leering gaze locked on the pretty servers and followed them around the room. When the girls brought his food the crafty lecher pointed to his hearing aid, urging them to lean in close and talk to him

But you said he was a danger to children. The waitresses are grown women despite the provocative use of the word "girls". I have heard women in their 70s being referred to as "girls".

As he staggered home Glitter attempted to chat up a string of women along the way. Each time he was ignored or told bluntly to go away

Women, again. Nor children - women. Grown-ups. Adults.

When he finally arrived back at his apartment block there were two attractive blondes and young man smoking on the steps. In an embarrassing 20-minute encounter, Glitter desperately tried to make friends with them.

He repeatedly asked them up to his flat for a drink. But his drunken ramblings did not impress the youngsters.

I am sure the young man and the attractive blondes are chuffed to be referred to as "youngsters".

Glitter told them he was called Darren, adding: "But that's not my real name."

The group looked confused but he babbled on revealing that his credit cards were all in the name Darren and insisting he could not reveal his real name.

Risk

He said: "I've only just returned to England. . . I was away for ten years." He then moaned: "The government won't let me leave the country. I hate it here. It stinks. I want to leave and if I had the chance I would.

How do you know he said this? He is obviously a traitor - to add to his other crimes.

This confirms the authorities' fears. Our sources say Glitter is deemed such a high risk to children he will never be allowed to leave. Cops fear he is so desperate he may try to flee illegally by boat so they monitor him closely.

Back at his London address as another neighbour came out of the building the drunk pounced on him too, asking him out for a drink.

A man this time. Not a child.

After yet another knockback, the rocker tried one last time and set off down the street announcing he was "going for a drink if anyone is interested?"

Twenty yards up the road he turned to see who was following - but the street was empty. The truth at last kicked in - shamed Glitter is no longer leader of the gang.

A truly pathetic piece of reportage. Lucy Panton, the reporter, at first starts off saying that Glitter was a danger to children but apart from a blurry pic of him provides no evidence of him having any interest in children. In fact, she provides several instances of him trying to chat up adults. The News of the World continues to run Gary Glitter tales because he makes for great stories. I am not defending Glitter or anyone who downloads kiddie porn - it is a despicable thing to do and those who do it should be punished severely but there is no evidence of Glitter abusing children in this country and indeed it should be remembered that the key witness against him in Vietnam was a prostitute who was already in jail.

Sack incompetent court manager

2009-04-29T18:00:00.002Z

Just over a month ago I called for people to take responsibility for their actions or face the sack.

Today we read the story of the man who returned home to find his house had been - wrongly - possessed by bailiffs. They had also emptied his fridge and freezer, drained his radiators and turned off his gas, electricity and water.

A spokesman: "We have been made aware that, as a result of an administrative error by Huntingdon County Court, bailiffs were instructed to take possession of an incorrect property.

"We understand that the Court Manager has now apologised to the tenants involved and we have requested a full investigation by the court into the circumstances which led to this action being taken."

When the investigations is complete, sack the court manager who is obviously incompetent.

One rule for (violent) celebrities...

2009-04-14T14:06:00.004Z

Young thug Jack Tweed was today sentenced to 12 weeks in prison for beating up a taxi driver.

Chairman of the magistrates Margaret Webb passed the lighter sentence (less than he got for his first assault) and said, "We have borne in mind the recent change in your personal circumstances and have reflected this in the length of the sentence, which would otherwise have been 18 weeks."

Wow, nine weeks for beating someone up.

His personal circumstances are irrelevant. He has no responsibility for his stepchildren; this is not the first time that he has been violent (and will surely not be the last) and he was not exactly the best boyfriend to his now late wife, chatting up girls on Facebook and having sex with at least one in a club lavatory.

Classy man. Two years would have been a fair sentence and that should mean two years.

The tragedy of George of the Famous Five

2009-03-28T14:16:00.004Z

When I was growing up my favourite books were those by Enid Blyton about the Famous Five. How I longed to join Julian, Dick, Anne, George and Timmy on an adventure.

I watched and enjoyed the 1978 television series. It was therefore with great sadness that I found out yesterday that Michele Gallagher who played George committed suicide on 31 January 2001 at the age of just 36. The internet has a very lengthy forum entry which posits all sorts of bizarre theories including one that she went into a witness protection programme!

I would be very interested to know the true story about Michele and what happened to her. If you know please leave details and I will get back to you. And may she rest in peace and her family and friends find comfort.

Take responsibility for your actions... or face the sack.

2009-03-27T21:34:00.008Z

A mother and father were recently sent a letter signed by George White the deputy headmaster of the school their daughter attended.

The letter from Macclesfield High School bemoaned the girl's poor attendance and warned that unless she came to lessons Megan Gillan, 15, would be banned from the school's end-of-year prom.

Megan, the youngest of four sisters, was found dead at her home in Macclesfield, Cheshire, on 19 January.

The letter read: "Students must have at least 92 per cent attendance and Megan's is currently 60.4 per cent."

The headmaster Ged Ward blamed a computer system for the blunder and said in a mealy mouthed explanation: "Clearly that letter should not have gone out. I can only apologise to Megan's parents for the distress that it has caused. The letter was sent out to all year 11 parents regarding the school prom. We didn't think to check them."

Then you should have though to check them. Someone should have noticed. And someone should carry the can - either George White or Ged Ward should be sacked. The headmaster does not even have the balls to apologise properly - he blamed the computer system.

While the Gillan family are still coming to terms with their grief, this idiot is blaming a computer system.

Remember a few years back when a police van was found not to have a valid tax disc. The inspector blamed an administrative error. Next time the police stop you, blame it on an administrative error and see how far you get. What should have happened? The inspector should have been sacked.

If we start sacking people it might force them to take responsibility and get fewer instances like the one that upset the Gillan family.

Get tough on binge drinkers not the rest of us

2009-03-26T15:05:00.005Z

Tesco announces that it will only serve alcohol to those who look over 25 or if they look younger must provide ID to prove they are of age.

This has happened after the store was prosecuted and fined £6,000 with £250 costs after its Blackpool branch admitted it has sold alcohol to children on more than three occasions.

The legal age to buy alcohol in the UK is 18, not 21 and certainly not 25. It is plainly daft that anyone refuses to sell booze to anyone over 18. It is their legal right to buy booze unless a pub landlord decides that they are already more than one over the eight.

It is supposed presumably to cut down on binge drinking. There is a simpler way and that is to get people to take responsibility for their actions. If you want to get legless, fine but if you cause a nuisance, if you gt into a fight, if you urinate in the street then the law should and must come down on you heavily.

You will be arrested. You will spend a night in the cells. You will be up before a magistrate in the morning or if it is a Friday night you can spend the weekend in the cells and you will be fined. No community service. Fined. And if you do it a third time you will go to prison.

Let's see how many repeat offenders we get...

English as she is wrote...

2009-03-13T02:47:00.003Z

For some reason lately I have been receiving a lot of phishing emails asking me to log into my bank account (usually with a bank I don't have an account with) because of an unauthorised attempt or some such.

The emails look authentic-ish - someone has gone to the trouble of copying logos so you would think they would at least have found someone who can speak English properly to write the darned things!

Dear Valued Customer,

You have 2 new important message waiting in your inbox folder.

Due to Various Invalid Attempt to login to Your Account.

Please supply all of the following information

Jonathan, hello honky tonks!!

2009-01-25T02:16:00.003Z

So Jonathan Ross is back at the BBC after his suspension.

I know he has an eccentric dress style but what a charlie he looks!! Shades of Dick Emery...still I suppose if anyone else upsets him he can always hit them with his handbag.

Brook rumbled again...

2009-01-20T16:02:00.003Z

So the (unsurprising) news is revealed that Kelly Brook has been sacked as a judge on Britain's Got Talent after just six days in the job.

Six days?

Why did it take so long?

A source told the Daily Mirror: "You have to think on your feet to come up with something good to say each time. It can be very tough keeping it fresh - Kelly struggled from the start."

Of course she did - she is thick as was evident on The Big Breakfast, as was evident on Celebrity Love Island, as is evident on any show in which she has to speak - even when she has a script to follow.

When will producers realise that she is very pretty and if they must give her a job, let it be one where she has nothing to say and can just stand there and do what she does best - pose.

Grade is taking the Michael

2009-01-06T15:37:00.002Z

Yesterday morning at about 7.40am, ITV executive chairman Michael Grade in an interview with Radio 4's Today programme claimed that the viewing public were "watching ITV and BBC1 in unprecedented numbers".

This claim is absolute nonsense. Coronation Street - one of ITV's bankers - pulled in fewer than eight million viewers on Christmas Day. That is a crisis number when it used to attract double that figure.

Just because someone working in TV says something doesn't make it so...

Bags it's Carol

2008-12-13T04:08:00.002Z

Carol Vorderman who has just left Countdown says that she has never had plastic surgery and, of course, I believe her.

Just wondering where the large bags that were under her eyes when the show started have gone...

Romps in the great outdoors

2008-11-30T23:09:00.005Z

I have been enjoying the current series of I'm A Celebrity - for God's sake, get rid of waste of space Nicola McLean - and naturally the News of the World has run a kiss'n'tell about one of the contestants.

Joe Swash apparently had an affair with someone called Jesse Lezard and she reveals, “He liked watching himself while he had sex. I don’t know how he’ll manage in the jungle without mirrors"

Presumably, love, he isn't thinking of having sex there.

The wrong one went off X Factor

2008-11-30T22:49:00.005Z

So, last week Rachel was rightly booted off The X Factor but this week they got rid of the terrific Ruth Lorenzo and kept the Gremlin-lookalike Eggnog.

And was there a worse performance than Britney Spears? I could not understand a word she sang and yet she got a standing ovation!! Unbelievable. Self-obsessed to the point of nausea, she launched into how much she loves London (yeah, that's why you only arrived on the morning of the show!) and when Dermot O'Leary asked if she wished good luck to the contestants, she said with complete lack of feeling, "Good luck and keep at it." Priceless...

UPDATE: Just watched a repeat of Britney Spears's performance and still cannot understand a word she "sang". The Mail on Sunday reports, "Miss Spears, 26, was said to have feared that trying to sing and dance at the same time would prove too much for her." UNBELIEVABLE!!

Good riddance to Rachel

2008-11-24T15:18:00.003Z

The ghastly Rachel Hylton has finally been voted off The X Factor - and about time too.

On an interview this morning she said that she did not enjoy the experience - a statement many of the viewers would concur with. As Louis Walsh said Hylton was a good singer but had no likeability. She lacked that in spades.

Now let's hope Diana or Ruth wins...

Will Jonathan Ross's career survive?

2008-10-30T23:20:00.002Z

Well, Russell Brand has left the building along with the controller of Radio 2 - and about time, too.

But what about the 25-year-old buffoon of a producer Nic (sic) Phillips? Why is he still in a job? He was the one who rang Andrew Sachs to ask if they could broadcast the segment and was told no, but went ahead anyway.

And Jonathan Ross is now £1.4million out of pocket. I am still at a loss as to why he did what he did although perhaps a clue comes from the title of his new book, the presciently titled Why Do I Say These Things?

We discussed the furore on Wednesday in the pub. With a number of abstentions, three people (all men) thought that what Brand and Ross did was disgusting while the dissenting voice came from a woman (over 40, not in Brand's target demographic) who thought it was all overblown. I asked what part of making three obscene phone calls to a 78-year-old man unknown to the callers did she find socially, morally or legally acceptable? Answer came there none...

Time for Russell Brand to disappear into the obscurity he so desperately deserves

2008-10-26T19:45:00.005Z

Why does the BBC give house room to the talentless waste of space that is Russell Brand?

It emerges today that he rang the actor Andrew Sachs to boast that he had slept with his granddaughter, Georgina.

Brand was presenting his show with Jonathan Ross who really ought to know better. Brand said: ‘In a minute we’re going to be talking to Andrew Sachs, Manuel actor. The elephant in the room is, what Andrew doesn’t know is, I’ve slept with his granddaughter.’

When Mr Sachs did not answer the phone Brand and Ross left a message on his answerphone and then called back.

Brand said: ‘I wore a condom.’ In another, which took the form of an impromptu song, Brand sang: ‘I’d like to apologise for the terrible attacks, Andrew Sachs . . . I said some things I didn’t of oughta, like I had sex with your granddaughter, though it was consensual . . . it was consensual lovely sex. It was full of respect, I sent her a text, I’ve asked her to marry me, Andrew Sachs.’

Normally the show is live but that episode was pre-recorded. Amazingly, according to the BBC, ‘a senior editorial figure signed off the programme, including its strong language, before it was broadcast’.

Brand is an idiot who has form for making an arse of himself. In July he made a prank call to Northamptonshire Police, claiming he had spotted a sex attacker. And in 2006, he became embroiled in a public row with Rod Stewart after boasting at an awards ceremony that he had slept with the rocker’s daughter, Kimberly.

And don't forget the prat he made of himself on Have I Got News For You and when presenting an awards show in America.

When Marty Feldman left Round the Horne he left a note for the cast, "If you've got talent, you don't need luck.... good luck Marty."

So in hoping the BBC get shot of Brand, I'd like to say "Good luck, Russell."

The meanest luckiest man in showbiz

2008-10-14T21:24:00.001Z

The luckiest man in showbiz has proven himself to be one of the meanest.

Former Beatle Ringo Starr has announced that from 20 October 2008 he will not sign any autographs nor reply to fan mail. He says that he is too busy.

Er, doing what exactly? Is there to be a new series of Thomas the Tank Engine?

John Lennon was once asked if Ringo was the best drummer in the world. He replied, "He's not even the best drummer in the Beatles."

For One Night Only? No, you can come back for more

2008-09-17T19:15:00.004Z

Regular readers will know of my despair at the lack of variety shows on British television.

ITV has tried to even the balance with its For One Night Only which began last Sunday. The show featured Westlife, Pussycat Dolls, Snake Man (a contortionist), a comedian I had never heard of and was so unfunny I hope I never hear about him again and the cast of Jersey Boys. So far so good (apart from the comedian).

The only slight problem was with the hosts - I am not sure a two-hander works and the so-called big finale with Joan Rivers definitely did not work. It was also a tad unfortunate that Dave repeated a Joan Rivers Live at the Apollo last week in which she told the same jokes as Sunday's "live" show which thanks to her swearing we know wasn't live. I also don't quite understand ITV's obsession with Vernon Kay - nice lad but is he really the best ITV can find at the moment? Still, I suppose Ant and Dec can't present every show.

Next week the hosts are Denise Van Outen and a man whose name I have forgotten already. Oh and one more - stop telling us what a great line-up you have every ten minutes and cut the canned screaming. It's beyond irritating.

Find the real killer....

2008-08-03T12:36:00.002Z

For the most part, the police do a terrific job in difficult and trying circumstances.

Yet sometimes they get the bit between their teeth and won't let go. Such a case was that of Colin Stagg who did not murder Rachel Nickell on Wimbledon Common. After their disgusting honeytrap failed, they still pressed on with their belief he was guilty. When he was acquitted they blithely announced that they were not looking for anyone else - police speak for "We know he did it but that stupid court system blew it."

And lo and behold - a bit more detective work and the real killer is revealed.

Now the same things is happening with Barry George. One of the investigating police tells the News of the World today, "I HAVE to accept the result of the retrial—but I agreed with the first jury's verdict. We carried out a thorough investigation and eliminated all suspects apart from one—Barry George."

Give it up, he didn't do it.

Another waste of space...

2008-07-30T09:47:00.001Z

Looking at a medical website recently it referred to a "midwife, health visitor, or breastfeeding counsellor".

Breastfeeding counsellor??

How on earth did we ever manage without all these interfering busybodies?

A cheesy tale...

2008-07-28T14:17:00.004Z

Yesterday, the Sunday Mirror ran a story about Dairylea downsizing its cream cheese triangles (from 22.5g (that's 0.79 ounces to those of us who use British measures) to 22g (0.7 ounces) rather than putting the price up.

A spokesman that Dairylea was "just harmonising triangle weights across the range".

Hmm, strange that no one ever "harmonises" up, isn't it?

Save the privacy fights for genuine cases...

2008-07-25T16:17:00.005Z

Yesterday Max Mosley won his privacy fight against the News of the World who revealed his spanking orgies.

I didn't read the original tales at the time and still haven't read them. I had no idea who Mr Mosley was.

Naturally, the News of the World was annoyed at losing the high profile and its sister paper The Sun has come out in its favour. In its leader column today The Sun bemoans the loss as a blow to freedom. It says, "Mr Justice Eady said our sister paper the News of the World had no right to tell its readers that the internationally famous head of Formula 1, Max Mosley had been at an orgy which the paper sincerely believed had a Nazi theme".

This is stretching matters slightly. The paper has about 3 million sales - I would be willing to bet that 2.99 million of the buyers had never heard of the "internationally famous... Max Mosley".

Mr Mosley is not famous and what he gets up to in private is no one's business but his own - and his wife and children.

And if the orgy had Nazi overtones, so what? If Mr Mosley's father had not been who he was, there would have been no mention of Nazism.

Writes and wrongs of Jordan's books

2008-07-23T10:54:00.003Z

Yesterday, Jordan admitted that she doesn't write her own books. I thought everyone knew that - look at the copyright page of them and it mentions the name of Rebecca Farnsworth, the ghost.

A few weeks ago, I was on a train to Fenchurch Street and sitting near me were four middle-class girls. One of them said that she had read Jordan's latest and was surprised it was good. I wondered then why she was surprised - the book was written by a professional author after all... as indeed are the majority of celebrity books.

Mrs O takes umbrage...again

2008-07-18T11:30:00.002Z

The ghastly Sharon Osbourne has exchanged a series of emails with comedian Jim Jeffries who called her daughter Kelly fat.

Perhaps it hit home harder than normal because recent pictures of Kelly without make-up show that she looks - unsurprisingly - just like her mum before all the plastic surgery.

Celebrity Spotting 3

2008-07-16T08:43:00.002Z

Who should I share a lift with this morning at the Elephant and Castle tube station - completely unrecognised by everyone except me - but Lord Lawson, Mrs Thatcher's former chancellor.

One of the most powerful and influential men in Britain not that long ago... now reduced to sharing a lift with me.

Pull on the plimsolls, Vicky

2008-07-07T14:28:00.004Z

Yesterday the Sunday Mirror ran a feature about celebrities who hate various bits of their bodies: Cameron Diaz's bum, Jessica Simpson's height, etc, etc.

Vicky Beckham was among the throng with an indirect quote that she wears stunning shoes to detract from her "horrid" feet.

Doesn't she realise that the stunning shoes call attention to her horrid feet? People look at the shoes and then think "Oh my God, what disgusting feet! With her money you'd think she'd do something about them."

If vacuous Vicky doesn't want people to look at her horrid feet, junk the shoes and may I suggest plimsolls?

Eccentrics in the heat

2008-07-02T08:56:00.002Z

It is good to see that even with the rise of homogeneity that the good old British eccentric is still alive and well.

Yesterday was the hottest day of the year and at London Bridge I saw some chap clad in a suit carrying an umbrella. There's a man who doesn't trust the weather forecasters.

TV wasn't so bad in the old days...

2008-06-26T09:53:00.005Z

A BBC director has said that there are too many coloured faces on television.

Samir Shah, a former BBC head of current affairs who now runs an independent production company, said this had led to a "world of deracinated coloured people flickering across our screens - to the irritation of many viewers and the embarrassment of the very people such actions are meant to appease".

Shah spoke at the Royal Television Society: "The difficult truth I want you to accept is this: the equal opportunity policies we have followed over the last 30 years simply have not worked.

"Despite 30 years of trying, the upper reaches of our industry, the positions of real creative power in British broadcasting, are still controlled by a metropolitan, largely liberal, white, middle-class, cultural elite - and, until recently, largely male and largely Oxbridge."

Hmm, some might say that that "elite" didn't do too bad a job and actually made programmes that people wanted to watch - unlike much of the rubbish churned out today by sundry Tamsins and Justins.

An audience with comedians is what ITV needs - failing that... an audience

2008-06-06T14:06:00.003Z

Last weekend in the gap between the end of Britain's Got Talent final and the results, ITV screened An Audience with Neil Diamond.

Neil Diamond is, without doubt, a songwriting genius but sharing scripted quips with an audience full of people he doesn't know does not for television genius make.

When will the people who run ITV realise that An Audience with... only works with comedians. Bob Monkhouse, Dame Edna Everage, Jackie Mason - brilliant. Take That, Spice Girls, The Osmonds - no thanks.

Celebrity Spotting 2

2008-05-08T14:22:00.001Z

I work in the media and have done for more years than I care to remember. However, except when I am interviewing them or in a television studio or at a party I rarely see celebrities out and about.

So because it happens so rarely, I have decided to detail any that do happen here.

Second one - former gangland enforcer Mad Frankie Fraser waiting for a bus on the Walworth Road, 2.30pm, Thursday 8 May 2008.

That's not what the bodyguard's for, Vicky...

2008-04-15T14:06:00.002Z

The idiocy of Vicky Beckham knows no bounds.

The silicon-enhanced Wag went shopping in a supermarket - Whole Foods, in Beverly Hills - recently.

She was accompanied by a bodyguard who carried the shopping for her.

Now, Vicky, the point of a bodyguard is to protect your body if someone attacks you. It is difficult for him to do that if he has his hands full with your shopping, you stupid bint.

Leave the Street alone

2008-04-11T14:06:00.005Z

Today The Sun runs a story on Page 3 that a new Coronation Street producer has plans to sack “up to five of the soap’s longest-serving actors".

An on-set source said yesterday: “There is a feeling the show needs a younger and sexier feel."

As a long-term viewer of Coronation Street, might I ask why?

Which soap has the youngest and sexiest stars? Hollyoaks.

Which is the least watched soap? Hollyoaks.

The Sun adds that "It is felt some of the older stars are holding back the show".

Remember when Emmerdale introduced all those sexy advertising posters? Remember when Emmerdale hired Phil Redmond to spice up the show? He arranged for a plane to drop on the village.

Emmerdale is still the third most watched soap behind EastEnders and Coronation Street.

The Sun's source says, “The recent stars have been younger characters like David Platt, but many of the older characters are on huge money and are hardly involved."

And has there been a more detestable, loathsome, unsympathetic character as David Platt?

If the producers think that filling the Street with characters like David, watch the viewing figures drop.

Coronation Street's strength has always been its strong female characters: Ena Sharples, Annie Walker, Elsie Tanner, Hilda Ogden, Vera Duckworth, Bet Lynch, Cilla Battersby-Brown - its skill is that its storylines are character-led not issue-led.

How many fans really care about David or Sean or Molly or Paul or, for that matter, Leanne? They do care about Rita, Betty, Jack, Emily, Ken and Deidre, even Blanche.

They are the real Coronation Street as well as the reel one.

Nay, nay and thrice nay Mr Walliams

2008-04-10T11:52:00.005Z

BBC4 is showing a series of docudramas on the lives of light entertainment performers: so far they have covered Wilfrid Brambell and Harry H. Corbett (Steptoe and Son), Tony Hancock, Hughie Green and, last night, Frankie Howerd.

Frankie Howerd: Rather You Than Me was the one I was most looking forward to: it also turned out to be the most disappointing of the four.

David Walliams played Howerd and Rafe Spall was his long-suffering younger boyfriend Dennis Heymer. Spall was fine as Heymer but Walliams didn't succeed as Howerd.

In pre-publicity, Walliams revealed that he and Little Britain partner Matt Lucas were brought together by their mutual love of Frankie Howerd and doing impressions of him. It seems there is a difference between back stage banter and being able to sustain an hour-long drama as Howerd.

A disappointment.

Nasty Naomi and the wimpy WPC

2008-04-09T17:34:00.004Z

Naomi Campbell is a nasty piece of work.

So I am not surprised by her latest outburst at Heathrow last Thursday (3 April 2008) where she has been accused of spitting at a policeman.

Now the police claim she called a WPC a “white cunt” and a “white slag” as she was dragged off the LA-bound jet in handcuffs. The police source said Naomi continued, screaming: “fucking white honkeys” at the officer and her colleagues.

It's said that BA have banned Campbell for life - it's the least she deserves. Well, that and a short spell in prison.

But look at this from Gordon Smart's report in today's Sun.

A senior police source said yesterday: “It’s a bit rich coming from her. The WPC said she was called a white this and a white that. She has been away from work since the incident.”

A WPC gets shouted at by some pampered prima donna and she is off work for a week. How long before she sues for "com-pen-say-shun"?

Gormless Gemma strikes again

2008-04-08T15:22:00.002Z

Gorgeous face and chest though she may have, you do wonder just how thick Gemma Atkinson actually is.

Talking about a scene in the film Boogie Woogie, gormless Gemma says, "I'd literally just met [Jaime Winston] and had to have sex with her.

Gemma, you didn't. It was simulated.

You're repeating yourself Mr Gaunt

2008-03-07T13:05:00.004Z

I'm a fan of Jon Gaunt - The Sun's forthright columnist and usually agree with everything he says.

This week he should have a word with the subs to say that they should pay more attention to his column.

Talking about the poor service he receives from BT he reports that he was "connected to some woman who can repeat the script in front of her but like a contestant on Just a Minute can't deviate, repeat or depart from her prepared speech".

Challenge.

Isn't "deviate" and "depart from her prepared speech" repetition?

Grow up - Harry Potter is for kids

2008-03-03T13:52:00.004Z

I have never read a Harry Potter book. In fact, I haven't read any children's books since I was, er, a child.

That's the point of them - they are for children.

On occasion, I would see some inadequate weirdo adult on the tube reading a Harry Potter book. I always wonder if they cannot cope with adult books.

Now, three of these freaks have told The Sun that they cannot cope without a fix of Potter.

One, Jamie Knights from Bristol, is 27!! He says unbelievably, "I have never felt grief like it when I closed the seventh book...it is like someone close to me has died."

Equally implausibly Knights has a girlfriend.

Another nutter is Lizzie Dowd who is 21 and claims that the characters are her best friends.

Give me strength.

Sometimes there is a need for security...

2008-02-29T16:01:00.003Z

On many occasions the government or even some celebrities ask for certain details to be withheld "for security reasons".

A classic example of this was a few years ago when No 10 said that Fleet Street could not reveal the details of Tony Blair's holiday destination "for security reasons". This was all the more bizarre because the world and his wife knew that the Blairs were sunning themselves on Cliff Richard's deckchairs.

Usually this plea is complete rubbish and unnecessary. However, it sometimes is necessary and the deployment of Prince Harry was one of those occasions.

The embargo was broken several times but the story did not break in Britain until Matt Drudge revealed it yesterday, 28 February 2008, on his website.

Chief of the General Staff Sir Richard Dannatt, head of the British Army, said: "I am very disappointed that foreign websites have decided to run this story without consulting us. This is in stark contrast to the highly responsible attitude that the whole of the UK print and broadcast media, along with a small number of overseas outlets, who have entered into an understanding with us over the coverage of Prince Harry on operations."

If I had known, would I have published the story? The answer is a resounding no. There was a genuine need for secrecy to be maintained.

The media had access to pooled interviews that would have been available in April after Harry's tour. There was no benefit to running the story now.

Matt Drudge has broken some good stories - this was not his finest hour.

Privacy is a two-way street

2008-02-20T11:07:00.003Z

When the Beckhams next complain about press intrusion into the lives of their children, perhaps they will remember this picture... taken on stage at a Spice Girls concert.

From the Ministry of the Bleedin' Obvious...

2008-02-15T14:45:00.003Z

In "new research" published today "single woman are just as shallow as men and go for good looking blokes when out on the pull" says the Daily Star.

In other news Pope Benedict XVI is a Catholic and EastEnders is depressing.

Athletics joins football in the gutter

2008-02-13T12:12:00.003Z

In 2003 Dwain Chambers was tested for illegal drugs and found guilty of taking the anabolic steroid THG. He was banned from running worldwide for two years and given a lifetime Olympic ban.

Yesterday, he was selected to run for Britain.

What a fine example to set to youngsters. "Take illegal drugs, it doesn't matter - you can always come back."

The whole thing stinks...

The silent benefactor that was Jeremy Beadle

2008-02-04T18:54:00.001Z

Last Wednesday night, one of my oldest friends died at the young age of 59.

I knew Jeremy Beadle for almost 28 years and the last time I saw him - Saturday afternoon - he was lying in a hospital bed unconscious and attached to various machines that were keeping him alive.

Four days later, he died leaving Sue, his adored wife, and four beloved children Leo, Clare, Cassie and Bonnie.

His death made the front page of the Daily Mirror and The Sun and also garnered large obituaries in The Times, The Guardian, Daily Express and The Independent for whom he wrote a fiendishly difficult quiz for the past four years.

As well as being a television genius (he thought up Surprise Surprise among many other shows), he was a general knowledge guru, very funny, kind and very thoughtful. His friends miss him more than they can say.

Jeremy also raised a staggering £100million for charity. He never asked for a reward for this - he did it for his own (he said selfish, his friends think selfless) reasons but the "establishment" saw fit to award him only an MBE, the lowest of the orders available.

Compare this to a certain other television star who has faded from our screens. He works for charity - and boy does he let everyone know about it - but he also charges a minimum of £10,000 per appearance. Jeremy didn't even ask for expenses. Jeremy got a paltry MBE - this other celebrity got a knighthood. Jeremy probably wouldn't have wanted a "K" but, by golly, was he ever deserving of one!

End the Maxine Carr witchhunt

2008-01-28T15:40:00.000Z

The Sunday People runs a story claiming that Maxine Carr is pregnant.

They report: "A source said: 'The birth of Maxine's child will mean her lawyers going to court and getting the anonymity order extended to cover the baby too.

'The child will get the same protection as Carr for life - and we will all be paying for it.

'If she has another six we'll be coughing-up to hide them too. It's not the kid's fault but it's still a disgrace.'"

Now, if Maxine Carr is pregnant, then, of course, the Mary Bell Order must be extended to her offspring.

But who is this "source"? We all know that newspapers make up quotes by "onlookers" and that very often "a close friend" is actually the person themselves.

We can be sure that the "source" here is not Maxine Carr but let's get a sense of proportion. All Maxine Carr did was tell lies: she did not take part in the murder of Holly and Jessica - she was hundreds of miles away when it happened.

Despite some of the red tops' best efforts she is not comparable to Myra Hindley and those papers must stop running this dangerous nonsense.

Naming names

2008-01-28T12:26:00.000Z

I am constantly surprised by how little people know about how they are styled and by that I mean their nomenclature not their sartorial style.

When the rumour was floated that David Beckham would get a knighthood (for what, pray tell?), his ridiculous wife gave an interview in which she said she would like to be called "Lady Victoria". I am sure that she would but she would not be entitled to style herself in that way. She would have been Lady Beckham as she is Mrs Beckham, not Mrs Victoria.

On Saturday the Daily Mail ran a profile of Tom Jones's wife Linda and called her Lady Melinda Woodward and then revealed that she prefers to be called "Lady Linda". She is no more entitled to call herself that anymore than I am to call myself Sir Paul - although that does a have a certain ring to it.

Hmmm, perhaps from now on I shall be Sir Paul...

Pop star joy...

2008-01-16T16:55:00.000Z

Congratulations to the former pop singer Sinitta on her adoption of two gorgeous children.

Several years ago, she gave me a fascinating interview for a magazine I was then working on.

By the way: she is 41 not 39. She was born in October 1966 and I have her on tape saying so.

For God's sake use the grown-ups...

2008-01-10T01:08:00.000Z

Arsene Wenger is, without doubt, the greatest manager Arsenal has ever had. His record is outstanding.

However, can he please choose the first team for the second leg of the League Cup semi-final against Spurs and not play the juniors?

I understand all about giving the youngsters experience but at the end of the day the fans want to see the club win matches and win trophies.

The club has not won anything for three years since we beat Manchester United 5-4 on penalties in the FA Cup Final.

Realistically, it looks as if Manchester United will win the Premiership; we almost certainly will not win the European Champions League so at least play a full-strength side to win one trophy this season.

Please.

A variety of British talent...

2008-01-07T13:08:00.000Z

On Saturday night an ITV documentary focused on talent shows and compares those of yesteryear - Opportunity Knocks and New Talent - with today's offerings Pop Idol, Britain's Got Talent, The X Factor and the like.

I didn't see the show but one obvious answer to the problem that no winners of today's shows seem to have long-lasting careers is that there is nowhere for them to go.

A winner of Opportunity Knocks or New Talent could land a regular spot as the singing guest on The Two Ronnies or appear on The Morecambe and Wise Show. Then there were variety shows such as Live From Her Majesty's and Summertime Special where the artiste could get more exposure.

How often have you seen Britain's Got Talent winner Paul Potts on TV these days since his win? Apart from, that is on the Royal Variety Show (which was part of his prize anyway) or propping up the sofa with Phil and Fern? What about Damon Scott (the 26-year-old with the monkey puppet miming to Michale Jackson) or the two barmen whose name escapes me. How often will we see Rhydian Roberts on telly? What about Same Difference? Even Leon Jackson, the winner who can't actually sing in tune, hasn't anywhere to appear.

Bring back variety shows - television which the whole family can enjoy. It's not a new idea but it is one whose time has come.

The death of British TV

2008-01-05T23:03:00.000Z

We don’t have enough celebrities so we create them with reality shows and then complain that they have no talent.

British television has never been able to sustain for any length of time a 5-nights-a-week chat show and the reason is simple – there are not enough celebrities. The nearest we have come was the long-forgotten Jack Docherty who was on Channel 5 when it first launched. (One of his stand-in hosts was Graham Norton. Norton’s own show on Channel 4 could not really be described as a chatshow since it was more a vehicle for Norton’s own sense of humour and obsessions. The celebrity guests were mere catalysts for the fun.) Even the genial Terry Wogan, one of our brighter broadcasters, struggled after a while with a primetime show broadcast three times a week. His show is now probably best remembered for George Best’s incoherent rant about sex and drinking.

In the United States things are very different. The late Johnny Carson reigned supreme on The Tonight Show for 30 years and his replacement Jay Leno has been in the chair for the past 15 although he has announced that he will stand down in 2009. David Letterman has hosted his own show for a dozen years, as has Conan O’Brien who will take over when Leno retires. Usually in the UK chatshows are weekly affairs and a veritable who’s who of showbusiness have at one time or another tried their hands at hosting duties including Simon Dee, Michael Parkinson, Jonathan Ross, Michael Aspel, Clive Anderson, Clive James, Graham Norton, Frank Skinner, et al. Some of these suffered because the host was more interesting than many of his guests – or more egotistical.

American visitors to these televisual shores only grace the sofas when they have a new book/film/TV show to plug and are usually so tiresome and uninteresting that viewers quickly tire of these incessant plugs. We are not so deferential to celebrities in this country as America. When did you last see a sitcom star receive a round of applause for just walking onto the set?

So what do we do to combat this dearth of celebrity? We promote and publicise people with little talent and/or no brains and bestow fame and riches upon them. This is how someone like Jade Goody comes to be on the cover of showbusiness magazines and how Rebecca Loos ends up giving a pig a masturbating a pig.

Excuses, excuses...

2008-01-03T10:26:00.000Z

Former soap star Martine McCutcheon says that she decided not to pursue a career in Hollywood because she missed the rain in England.

Of course you did, love...

Even in death, one can grieve in complete sentences

2008-01-02T10:47:00.000Z

Death can be a tragedy but it can also inspire moving poetry, songs, books and other works of art.

Who can forget the majestic verse by Laurence Binyon read out at the Cenotaph each year?

"They shall not grow old as we that are left grow old,
Age shall not weary them nor the years condemn,
At the going down of the sun and in the morning
We shall remember them."

Compare that to the semi-literate drivel left on Bebo by the young parents of a baby who was killed by a rottweiler last week. While I cannot comprehend the depth of their feelings, is it too much to ask that they use English?

The mother wrote: "RIP my lil angel mummy knows your still here love u alway and foreva x x x x x x" adding, ""R.I.P my sleepin angel always in our hearts loved so much the pain im feelin is like no otha missin u so much ur always here watchin us all."

The father added: "Never gona 4get ya lil man, RIP 4eva n always, miss ya so much, ur mummy sez i can ave ur iggle piggle, so gna keep him in car wi me xxxxx."

The mother's sister tried to save the child and was praised by the mother in terms that resonate with those used by some gangster talking about some other no-mark. "She's a heroine and will be respected for what she did for the rest of her life."

Apart from the foolishness of allowing a baby anywhere near a rottweiler, this is also an indictment of the education system of this country.

The footballing prats

2008-01-02T10:42:00.001Z

If ever evidence was needed that most footballers are complete prats, I present this picture of Manchester United's Carlos Tevez...

We ain't that stoopid

2007-12-31T13:13:00.000Z

Tabloid newspapers often publish pictures of attractive famous, semi-famous, infamous, someone we have never heard of women in skimpy outfits. No problems so far.

But would they please stop putting a quote from "an onlooker". Yesterday's News of the World's gossip column had a pic of Desperate Housewives star Nicollette Sheridan in a bikini. "An onlooker said: 'None of the guys could take their eyes off Nicollette.'" No, they didn't. We all know these are made-up so please stop insulting our intelligence.

Give us a chance to enjoy Christmas...

2007-12-31T12:46:00.000Z

Timeline: Essex, 27 December 2007, 16.30GMT - a branch of Woolworth's.

On the shelves: Cadbury's Creme Eggs with the slogan "Easter comes early this year".

Not that bloody early - we haven't seen off Christmas yet!

Radio wonderful's publicity stunt...

2007-12-19T10:12:00.000Z

So Radio 1 has backed down in its ban of the word "faggot" in The Pogues's Fairytale of New York and will now play the song unedited.

Hurrah for people power.

Or just a publicity stunt for an ailing radio station?

Vicky won't go solo...

2007-12-17T18:53:00.000Z

So the tiresome Spice Girls are back performing in London after a gap of not enough years.

The group play a series of gigs at the Millennium Dome and all of them do a solo number in the show. Well, I say all of them. Actually, four of them do a solo number. Can you guess which Spice Girl doesn't sing solo?

I'll give you a few clues.

1) It's the one with the really bad skin.
2) It's the one with the bunions.
3) It's the one who admits that she can't dance or carry a tune in a bucket.
4) It's the one who has yet to have a solo number one.

Yes, that's right - it's Vicky Beckham (Adams as was).

X doesn't mark Leon's spot...

2007-12-17T12:38:00.001Z

On Saturday night Leon Jackson won the fourth series of The X Factor. He beat off a challenge from hot favourite Rhydian Roberts and my personal faves brother-sister combo Same Difference.

There is only one problem with Leon - he can't actually sing in tune. This might not be a problem for a punk singer but it does seriously hamper a career as a jazz singer which is apparently what he wants.

UPDATE: Vote-rigging aside (even ITV could not be that stupid), it's good to see a goodly number of others agreeing with me that Leon can't sing.

Wading through the forests of nonsense...

2007-12-17T12:31:00.000Z

I buy lots of books - many from amazon.

When you sign in to the site, amazon will provide a list of recommendations - books, DVDs, CDs, what-have-you that its computers think will be of interest to you.

I think someone need to have a look at its algorithms.

Today I have received the following recommendations:

TV Cream's Toys: Presents You Pestered Your Parents for
Recommended because you purchased James Robertson Justice: What's the Bleeding-Time?

Spirit ~ Leona Lewis
Recommended because you said you owned The Arsenal Miscellany

Billy Connolly Live - Was It Something I Said?
Recommended because you said you owned The Ireland Rugby Miscellany

Gavin And Stacey : Complete BBC Series 1 [2007]
Recommended because you said you owned The Wales Rugby Miscellany

Why Is Yawning Contagious?: Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About the Human Body, and Some Things You'd Rather Not by Francesca Gould
Recommended because you purchased I Never Knew That About Wales

Another victory for justice...

2007-12-14T11:25:00.001Z

Two months ago, I posted a blog about some young thugs who killed a husband and father in front of his son.

Yesterday, the convictions were overturned and the vermin freed. The court said that it could not be sure that the boys were responsible for pensioner Ernest Norton's death even they threw stones at him because he had heart problems.

Surely, his health problems were exacerbated by having stones thrown at him, being jeered and spat at? Who exacerbated those problems? The thugs throwing the stones. Therefore, they were responsible. Their convictions should stand.

Who would bet against those boys not ending up back in prison in the future?

Another ridiculous fashion...

2007-12-10T12:38:00.000Z

I admit I am somewhat behind the times - a less furry Uncle Bulgaria if you will. I have recently seen a number of black chaps wearing coats with what looked like the make-up mirrors ladies have in compacts attached to the collar.

Apparently, it's a new fashion and is a goggle jacket - an item of clothing that zips up covering the face so that the wearer views the world via the aforementioned goggles, not make-up mirrors.

Some have said that the jacket makes the wearer look threatening. Ridiculous is probably the adjective I would have chosen albeit no more daft than wearing your trousers halfway over your buttocks.

Is there any real difference between these jackets that cover the face and muslims who walk around with their faces covered? How long before someone is arrested for wearing one and a shopping centre bans them?

We have a tradition in this country of being able to see people's faces - long may it continue.

Food for thought...

2007-12-10T11:03:00.000Z

We are constantly told that we are a wealthy nation and compared to many we obviously are.

Yet I don't remember supermarkets having special food for poor people - there was no Tesco Value, Asda No Frills or Sainsbury's Basic.

Vicky does care...

2007-12-07T11:56:00.000Z

At last - Vicky Beckham comes clean.

In an interview with the American edition of Elle, she says: "It became very obvious from the start that I was never going to be the best singer or the best dancer or the best actress. You know, I've never been that good at anything, to be completely honest."

You will find no one to disagree with you there, Vic.

However, she goes on to make one statement that I think is not quite as honest as the above. She says: "I don't give a fuck what anybody thinks."

I think she cares very much what people think - or she wouldn't have put on such a ridiculous front in the aftermath of her husband's affair with Rebecca Loos, all that rictus grinning and togetherness on the ski slopes.

Or was that just to protect the earning potential of Brand Beckham?

Liz is Fuller herself

2007-12-05T11:25:00.002Z

If you are an insomniac or an avid reader of gossip magazines you may have heard of Liz Fuller - she is the stunning blonde who hosts one of those late-night shows on Channel4 in which people ring in to solve some bizarre puzzle at 75p a minute.

She made the news on 2 June 2004 when hosting Auction World (no, me neither) and dumped Paul McKenna live on air. (The hypnotist says that the relationship was already over. "It's the funniest end to a fling I've ever had," he said. "We only went out for a couple of months and the break-up has been more significant than the relationship.")

Anyway, Liz, 32 this month, has grandly announced that she and two friends will be sleeping rough to highlight the charity Crisis.

She says: "We are always seen at fabulous parties. (Are you?) I want people to see us experiencing the rough and tough. (Why?) I come from a farming background in Wales, so it shouldn't be too much of a shock. If you have a celebrity profile you have an obligation to give something back. Not everybody has a good time over Christmas. My mother is a committee member of Save The Children, so charity is in my blood."

They say that they are looking for a TV crew to film the event. Wouldn't it be much simpler and less pretentious just to give a night's pay to Crisis rather than going through all this rigmarole? Ah, but then you wouldn't get all that lovely publicity and more invites to "fabulous parties"?

Gemma the jungle thick chick...

2007-11-30T18:10:00.000Z

In today's Sun television common, the brilliant Ally Ross writes of former Hollyoaks star Gemma Atkinson's appearance on I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here!: "[Her] last act in camp was taking part in that maths test. 'Forty-seven minus 20 is...(long pause) ...17.' So not only is she traumatically boring, we've discovered she's thick as well."

Just to confirm Ally's diagnosis, Gemma gave an interview to the Daily Star in which she said she feared that her breasts would disappear because she had lost a stone while in the jungle. Er, Gemma, love, your breasts are fake - you have implants. They are not going to shrink no matter how much weight you lose...

Critics are half right on Amy

2007-11-13T13:49:00.000Z

Commentators have recently compared singer Amy Winehouse and husband Blake Fielder-Civil to dead junkies Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen.

This misses one important point. Both Vicious and Spungen were talentless wastes of space. Amy Winehouse is a remarkably talented young lady - only her skanky husband is the waste of space.

Memo to Sunday Mirror's "distinctive new voice" Fiona McIntosh: It's Fielder-Civil, not Civil-Fielder as you wrote in your debut column.

Thugs murder a good man

2007-10-19T15:56:00.000Z

Five boys, some as young as 12, were given custodial sentences today for stoning to death pensioner Ernest Norton as he played cricket with his son, James.

Amazingly, some were as young as 10 when they began pelting Mr Norton with stones and pieces of wood. He died of a heart attack after being struck twice on the head and face with stones, one rock the size of half a brick shattered his cheekbone. He died in front of his son.

The judge Warwick McKinnon described it as "a vicious, unprovoked attack". He told them: "Your behaviour was utterly disgraceful and criminally irresponsible. No sentence I can pass can restore the human life so needlessly taken by this mindless display of violence."

All the boys, who were found guilty of manslaughter in August, were given two years' detention. They are now appealing against their conviction.

Of course they are and some sappy social worker will say that they behaved in this appalling way because they were deprived. And no doubt in the borstal they will have access to the internet, computer games, television and pool tables.

Detective Chief Inspector Clive Heys said the case was a tragedy for Norton's family and for the boys themselves. "They will have a stain on their characters for the rest of their life," he said.

Who gives a toss about the boys? They had a choice in their actions. Mr Norton did not. He leaves a widow and a son and daughter.

The thugs will be out in probably a year or less. Does DCI Heys really believe it is a tragedy for them? Why is he even giving them a moment's thought? They are where they belong - behind bars.

They are not responsible for Mr Norton's manslaughter - they murdered him and should not be allowed out until they are very old men.

The mother is always the last to know...

2007-10-17T16:43:00.000Z

On Monday the Daily Express ran a feature about parents who spend a fortune on beauty treatments for their children.

One of the children featured was 12-year-old James Liley from Worthing, West Sussex. His mother, Sharon, spends £3,600 a year on skincare products for him.

Among her choice quotes:

“James’s passion for pampering started when he was about five. He’d use all my face creams, body lotions and shampoos… now he won’t leave the house unless his skin is glowing and his hair is perfectly coiffured. Every day he uses GHD hair straighteners, which cost over £100, and loves to use Toni & Guy’s Bed Head styling products.

“He has manicures and pedicures as well as a massage every week, too.Every month I spend about £300 on James’s beauty regime because he likes to use expensive moisturisers from Lancôme. But it’s obviously worth it because his skin is amazing. He rarely gets a spot and if he does he’ll cover it up with some concealer.

“James is a dancer and would like to dance professionally one day.

“His wardrobe is full of designer jeans and T-shirts from Armani and Ralph Lauren. We spend thousands every year on clothes for him because he likes to look fashionable.

“I’m very proud of how much care he takes over his appearance and I’m sure when he grows up his girlfriends will appreciate it, too.”

Something tells me that girlfriends won't be featuring very prominently in James’s life...

How could they help?

2007-10-12T16:35:00.000Z

Today the Daily Mirror reports: “Paparazzi snappers took pictures of Princess Diana’s dying moments rather than go to her aid as she lay crumpled in the back of her smashed up Mercedes, the inquest into her death heard yesterday.”

What were they supposed to do? How could they help? They are photographers not paramedics.

They should not have been taking pictures but they could not have been expected to help the medical effort.

Stop the love-in

2007-10-12T09:28:00.000Z

There are few people in the public eye now that can be described as "best-loved". In days gone by Britain's best-loved sitcom was Only Fools and Horses; best-loved magician Tommy Cooper; best-loved double act Morecambe and Wise and best-loved royal Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother.

Now people are liked rather than loved. Tolerated for a brief time until they are no longer wanted.

This doesn't stop publishers referring to "best-loved". I have already commented on Julian Clary who is not one of Britain's "best-loved entertainers" despite what his publishers may think.

Two more incidences arise. Richard Hammond is "one of Britain's best-love television presenters" and Graham McCann is apparently "Britain's best-loved showbiz writer".

This is plainly nonsense.

As with Clary, when was the last time you heard someone say, "We must watch telly tonight Richard Hammond's on"?

And Graham McCann is not "Britain's best-loved showbiz writer" for two simple reasons: one, Britain does not have a best-loved showbiz writer, and two, no one has ever heard of him.

Enough of the luvvieness.

Enough with the Elton John obsession

2007-10-10T11:32:00.001Z

I like GQ. At the moment it is probably my favourite magazine. However, the obsession with Elton John in the November issue is wearing a little thin.

The edition celebrates the GQ Man of the Year Awards, a ceremony which was hosted by Elton John - so it is fair that he is mentioned there.

I am sure that Sir Elton is a very nice man. However, is it really necessary for Simon Kelner to tell us what "Elton and David's favourite restaurant" is during an interview with Christian Slater?

Or for Nick Foulkes to mention the singer several times in the opening paragraphs of his story about watches?

Frankly, I don't care where "Elton and David" eat. I couldn't give a monkey's about the "jeweller to the court of Sir Elton".

GQ is supposedly an aspirational mag for thirty- and fortysomethings. Sir Elton is in his sixties and rich beyond the dreams of avarice. More to the point, I believe that 90 per cent of the readers don't aspire to be like him...

The Diana bandwagon rolls on...and on

2007-10-08T12:19:00.000Z

On 31 August 1997 a woman and her boyfriend were killed when the car they were in, driven by a drunk, crashed in an underground tunnel in Paris.

Neither were wearing seat belts.

On Tuesday 2 October 2007 an inquest opened into the woman's death – it is expected to last six months and cost the British taxpayer £10million.

Why is this farrago allowed to go on?

Diana, Princess of Wales died because she was not wearing a seat belt and the driver of the car she was travelling in was driving too fast. That is the beginning and end of the story.

There was no assassination plot.

There was no MI6 involvement.

Prince Philip did not authorise a murder.

Diana was not pregnant.

Can we now please move on?

Criminal stupidity

2007-09-28T16:36:00.000Z

I have several books on true crime on my shelves and a few are devoted to stupid criminals. This case takes some beating.

Stewart Monk, 28, of Ackerley Court, Ashford, Kent, who worked as an on-board trolley steward for Rail Gourmet on trains between Kent and London, admitted making 11 false bomb threats concerning Charing Cross and Ashford International stations.

A stupid thing to do at the best of times but Monk made nine of the threats from his own mobile phone.

He was sent to prison for two and a half years - presumably six months for his threats and two years for being terminally stupid.

The over-selling of Clary

2007-09-25T15:08:00.000Z

Recently, I was browsing in a bookshop when I saw a new novel written by Julian Clary. Obviously, I didn't buy it – that only encourages them.

However, I was surprised that the blurb said, “Julian Clary is one of Britain’s best-loved entertainers”.

No, he’s not. He has a extremely limited appeal to a very niche market. When was the last time you heard someone say, “Oooh, we must stay in tonight (or set the TiVo) Julian Clary’s on the telly”?

Sometimes prison does work...

2007-09-24T17:10:00.000Z

The wife of convicted paedophile Chris Langham has said that he is being bullied and tormented in prison.

Apparently, he has been pelted with missiles, his cell has been flooded and the screws are ignoring him.

Oh dear. What a pity. Never mind.

Keep Arsenal English

2007-09-02T17:11:00.001Z

Once again my club is on the front pages of the national newspapers for reasons that have nothing to do with football.

Former vice-chairman David Dein who was sacked in April has sold his shares in Arsenal for £75million to a Russian chap and then become chairman of the company, Red and White Holdings, set up for the shareholding.

Dein wanted the club to be taken over by the American Stan Kroenke because he believes that the club cannot compete unless there is a huge injection of cash - from a foreign buyer.

The Arsenal board has signed a memorandum agreeing not to sell until April 2008 at the earliest. Will they sell then? I hope not.

Do foreign buyers actually make any difference? Chelsea have won the premiership and the FA Cup twice each since they were bought by Roman Abramovich in 2003. It is generally agreed that the Russian oligarch has put money into the club.

On 6 February 2007 Liverpool were bought by two American businessmen, George Gillett and Tom Hicks. It is obviously too early to say if that purchase has had any positive effect on the Anfield club.

When Malcolm Glazier bought Manchester United on 12 May 2005, against the wishes of many fans, his supporters claimed that he would invest in the club. As far as I am aware that has not happened.

Back to Arsenal.

The board has invested hundreds of millions of pounds in the new Emirates Stadium. It is a long-term plan that won't see money recouped for several years. Why would they sell to a foreign businessman so that he can benefit from all their hard work? Unless he paid well over the odds, it would not make sense to them. If he did pay over the odds to compensate for future losses, it would not make sense to the business tycoon.

I hope that they don't.

The funniest piece on journalism I have read for a long time...

2007-08-24T14:38:00.000Z

From: Gentleman Ranters

I knew Eric Wainwright
By Colin Dunne

Goodness knows, those 30-odd years in Fleet Street produced very little for me by way of achievement, fame or trophies. All I’ve got to show for it are a few divorce court appearances, arteries as congested as Shoe Lane, and a collection of anecdotes that can never be told. Why not? Because normal people would never believe them.

But I do have one claim to distinction of which I’m seriously proud, and it’s one that very few old Mirror men can make…

For I knew Eric Wainwright.

Oh yes, there are plenty who are familiar with the legend of Invisible Eric, the ghost of the Fourth Floor Features. But I doubt if any of them ever actually set eyes upon him. And fewer still who heard, first-hand, his explanation of why he found it necessary to wear his St James’s Street hat while seated upon the lavatory.
But I did. I knew him quite well. And his hat. And I’m glad I caught his show while it was still – just – in town.

It happened at a time in my life when I was obliged to spend Sunday mornings – and quite possibly bits of Saturday night – in the Holborn office. We do not need to go into the reasons. Some sort of domestic dislocation, I seem to recall – you know how difficult women can be. Anyway, after breakfast in the canteen, by mid-morning I’d be sitting with a coffee and the Sunday papers at my desk on the fourth-floor.

I always had it to myself. Until one morning when in bowled this dapper chap. Although clearly startled at having to share the room, he gave a jovial wave and sat down at a typewriter. The telephone rang. ‘No,’ he said, with complete conviction, ‘there’s no-one hear called Dunne.’
At this point, I thought it wise to introduce myself. He apologised for not knowing me. In fact, he didn’t seem to know anyone. ‘Who’s the features editor now?’ I said it was Bill Hagerty. ‘Is he a little blond chap with a moustache?’ I said no, he was a tallish dark chap with a clean upper lip. He nodded. ‘Bit out of touch these days,’ he said. ‘I try to keep out of the way.’
At that he was triumphantly successful. His contact with the office was his monthly visit, on a Sunday morning when the place was deserted, to do four weeks’ expenses.

A little cautiously, I said that I hadn’t seen his by-line recently. ‘No, old boy, haven’t had a piece in for six years.’ I murmured something about how upsetting it must be to have all that copy spiked. He looked at me as though I was insane. ‘Lord no, haven’t written anything for six years.’

At this point, we need a little history. In the mid-seventies, the Mirror features department had reached its zenith with a splendid one-way employment policy: new writers were shipped in, but no old writers went out. One idle day (there were about 342 a year) I counted the number of feature writers and gave up when I passed 40. They were a mixed bunch. Former girlfriends of long-gone editors, executives who’d forgotten what they were executing, columnists who’d misplaced their columns, foreign correspondents returned home, and some people who I think just came in for the warmth. There were even one or two who wrote features. This wasn’t encouraged.

Passing the time could be a problem. Some took to the drink. Some took to adultery. Some took to both, and not always in the right order. Don Walker set up a music stand and taught himself classical guitar. Paula James made restaurant reservations. George Thaw was Scottish all over the place. Don Gomery sighed a lot. Occasionally we’d move the desks and have a badminton tournament.

Several of the writers, like Eric, became no-shows. His sports jacket – Daks, of course – was left over his chair, so that if anyone asked for him we could say he’d popped out to the bank and we would ring the number he’d left. The number, someone said, was for a drinking club in Soho in which he was a partner. We never rang it. No-one ever asked for him.

Years slipped by, and he became a sort of invisible yet indestructible folk hero. Once he put in a memo asking to be made Pub Correspondent. Tony Miles, the editor, asked someone to check with accounts to see if he was still on the staff. He was. ‘What the hell does he do?’ Someone said he spent most of his time in pubs. ‘In that case,’ said Miles, ‘he might as well have the title.’ So he achieved his ambition, and, true to the last, he never wrote a story.

Mike Molloy once called a conference which was a must-attend for writers. Bars and bedrooms all over London emptied and by the time he’d begun, the room was packed. At that point in walked this distinguished figure with his rolled umbrella and perched himself at the front. Mike was saying the new policy was to attract young readers when Eric spoke. ‘Delightful little boozer just outside Guildford,’ he said. ‘Lots of young people in there. Shall I pop down and have a look?’ A minute later he’d gone. It remained one of the great unwritten stories of our time.
Over the months, I got to know him well. With his slick of silver hair, florid face and drawing-room accent, he was of a type that even then was rapidly running out of fashion. He was – there’s no other word for it – a gent: British warm overcoat, yellow chamois gloves and tightly-furled umbrella with a whangee handle, he was clearly an ex-officer from some smart regiment. Only he wasn’t.

The story was that he was a Canadian who’d come over here with the Canadian air force and stayed on. There were rumours of military heroics. At one time he’d made a living as a cartoonist (some of his cartoons were on the walls of the Stab). Even more incredibly, he’d dressed up as a huge, ugly, half-wit woman called Cynthia who was the silent stage stooge for a northern comedian called Hylda Baker. ‘She knows, y’know’, Hylda would say, elbowing Eric in the ribs.

It was the sort of CV that could only end one way - in the Mirror features department. Long before those Sunday morning meetings, he’d built up quite a name for doing first-person pieces under the by-line Danger Man. He was terrific. He rode a motor-bike through a hoop of fire. He went into a cage full of lions armed only with a chair. He even went to the photographers’ Christmas party… no, no, that was a joke, he wasn’t that crazy.

He was what he himself would have called a genial sort of cove. Full of good spirits, full of good stories. Around noon, he would slip over the Stab, and return a couple of hours later, even fuller of good spirits. He would slump down in his chair and ring all his friends around the world. Occasionally, the odd snippet would drift over to me, and what collectors’ items they were…
‘Yerrs, still got the same old place out in Bucks. Thatched roof, y’know. Trouble is, bloody squirrels in the thatch. Gnawed through the bloody water pipe. Drips through the ceiling. Bloody nuisance. Have to wear a hat when I’m on the lav.’
With the writer’s true eye for detail, Eric knew this required further definition. ‘Y’know,’ he said, ‘the one I got at Lock’s of St James’s.’

There were stories that in his younger days he was an accomplished pub fighter. Someone who once saw him in action said he used the pub furniture like they do in cowboy films. To me he was never anything other than charming, apart from the day Roy Harris upset him. Roy, who was, I think, deputy features editor, sat in on a Sunday, and when Eric presented his expenses, he ventured a mildly casual inquiry about one item. Eric was furious. He went immediately to the Stab. He stayed longer than usual. When he came back, he was purple with, among other things, rage. He asked my advice. What was the silliest story I’d ever done? A talking dog, I said. Where was the furthest point from the office? Land’s End. With finger-jabbing anger, he typed away, took it downstairs and slammed it down in front of Roy. It was for a trip to Land’s End to interview a talking dog. It involved well over a thousand miles’ travel, several overnights, lots of entertaining and taxis. All with no bills. The final, some might have said contemptuous, item was the one that caught Roy’s eye. ‘Bone for dog - £10.’
Roy, who was not a big man, shivered in the shadow of the figure looming over him. ‘Must have been a big bone,’ he whispered weakly.
Eric slammed his hand on the desk and roared: ‘It was fucking big dog.’
Roy’s signature fairly skidded over the paper.

Someone somewhere must have let me back in, because my Sunday mornings in the office came to an end. I missed them. I missed Eric. With him, I felt as though I was catching the last act of a wonderful long-running comedy.

About a year after I left the Mirror, Don Walker rang me up. I knew it was some sort of spoof because he was trying not to laugh. Eric was leaving, he said. They were having a farewell party for him. And would I go along because I was the only person who knew what he looked like.
Just me.
Sadly, Eric isn't around any more. Any more? What am I saying?

Colin Dunne was a Daily Mirror feature writer from 1968 to 1978 when he left to freelance and write books.

Talking about MY generation

2007-08-23T17:48:00.000Z

In the pantheon of rock'n'roll there are some incredible moments: Jimi Hendrix setting fire to his guitar, Keith Moon driving a Rolls Royce into a swimming pool, Jim Morrison exposing himself on stage to name but three that immediately spring to mind.

On Tuesday night the Rolling Stones played the Millennium Dome. During the course of the gig Keith Richards lit a cigarette on stage, followed by Ron Wood.

A member of the audience said, "It was a great rock'n'roll moment."

No, it wasn't it was a man who is a year short of being a pensioner lighting a fag. If whichever idiot who made the quote really does think that was a great rock'n'roll moment, he needs to get out more or stay in and read more books about the history of rock'n'roll.

Wake up and have a laugh... it's free - for now

2007-08-13T19:56:00.000Z

I believe in almost total free speech - as long as what you say doesn't incite violence or destruction of property, then as far as I am concerned you can say what you like.

Unfortunately, my belief is one held by an increasingly small number of people. It seems the worst thing that anyone can do these days is "give offence" - as nebulous a phrase as it is possible to conceive.

The latest to fall foul of "giving offence" is David Pratt of Cambridge who is facing an £80 fine for wearing a T-shirt (bought in Los Angeles by Mr Pratt's wife) bearing the slogan "Don't piss me off! I am running out of places to hide the bodies".

After an official complaint was made to the council, street wardens told Mr Pratt his T-shirt could cause offence or incite violence. He faces an on-the-spot fine from the police if he wears it again.

Using offensive, abusive, or insulting language is a criminal offence under Section 5 of the Public Order Act, even if it's printed on a T-shirt.

"It is not necessary for someone to have made an official complaint for the police to act, they just have to think it might offend a hypothetical third party, says criminal solicitor Louise Christian.

Please tell me how this could incite violence? The T-shirt did not advocate killing all Spurs supporters, for example.

A man was fined for wearing a T-shirt that said "Bollocks to Blair" - again under the Public Order Act. How? Is anyone suggesting that the T-shirt might incite someone to send/give/donate bollocks to Blair?

The T-shirts are meant to be a joke and it is about time society woke up and found again its sense of humour. No one ever died from laughter (well, apart from that man who did. He had a heart attack in 1975 while watching an episode of The Goodies about the martial art of Ecky Thump.)