Wake up and have a laugh... it's free - for now

I believe in almost total free speech - as long as what you say doesn't incite violence or destruction of property, then as far as I am concerned you can say what you like.

Unfortunately, my belief is one held by an increasingly small number of people. It seems the worst thing that anyone can do these days is "give offence" - as nebulous a phrase as it is possible to conceive.

The latest to fall foul of "giving offence" is David Pratt of Cambridge who is facing an £80 fine for wearing a T-shirt (bought in Los Angeles by Mr Pratt's wife) bearing the slogan "Don't piss me off! I am running out of places to hide the bodies".

After an official complaint was made to the council, street wardens told Mr Pratt his T-shirt could cause offence or incite violence. He faces an on-the-spot fine from the police if he wears it again.

Using offensive, abusive, or insulting language is a criminal offence under Section 5 of the Public Order Act, even if it's printed on a T-shirt.

"It is not necessary for someone to have made an official complaint for the police to act, they just have to think it might offend a hypothetical third party, says criminal solicitor Louise Christian.

Please tell me how this could incite violence? The T-shirt did not advocate killing all Spurs supporters, for example.

A man was fined for wearing a T-shirt that said "Bollocks to Blair" - again under the Public Order Act. How? Is anyone suggesting that the T-shirt might incite someone to send/give/donate bollocks to Blair?

The T-shirts are meant to be a joke and it is about time society woke up and found again its sense of humour. No one ever died from laughter (well, apart from that man who did. He had a heart attack in 1975 while watching an episode of The Goodies about the martial art of Ecky Thump.)

For God's sake woman, smile

Once again Victoria Beckham's "friends" have come forward to say how lovely and caring she is and how much her friends appreciate her sense of fun. She is apparently cheering up Katie Holmes and Geri Halliwell.

It's not the first time that we have been told that Vicky is a laugh-a-minute girl.

If it is true, why does she always look so miserable in public?

The Minds of Women

I will never understand women if I live to be normal.

The free newspaper London Lite has a weekly column about dating. This week, it told the story of one girl who "fresh from dating hell" wanted to avoid men. So, she announced, she was going to a party where she could drink and flirt. Er, if she was off men who was she going to flirt with?

The boys duly appeared and she described them as "dressed to impress". Again, what does this actually mean? The one chap pictured had a plain white shirt, black shoes and jeans that were full of holes. Why is that impressive?

Now the government is paying to organise terrorism

There have been seven postal bombs in three weeks. Thankfully, no one has been killed but I was surprised to learn that there is apparently a policeman called Anton Setchell whose job title is national co-ordinator for domestic extremism.

With all the problems with terrorism - domestic and international - at the moment, I would have thought the last thing we need is someone on the government payroll to co-ordinate the whole shebang.

The War on Terror Top 10

With Saddam dead, Gaza once again under Israeli tank fire and the Republicans booted out of Congress it's time to take a serious lookat our War on Terror with a top ten:

1 Talibanana Boat Song, Harry Belafonte
2 Mullah Kintyre, Wings
3 Wuthering Shi-ites, Kate W. Bush
4 Ayatollah Lately that I Love You? Van Morrison
5 Kabul up to the Bumper, Grace Jones
6 Yashmak My Bitch Up, The Prodigy
7 Hamas to Fall, Queen
8 Red Right Hand, Nick Cave and the Islamabad Seeds
9 Kandahar Days Night, The Beatles
10 (Sad)damn I Wish I Was your Lover, Sophie B Hawkins

You don't have to be mad to work there...

From an unnamed company:

Company Policy:Effective 1 November 2006

Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. Personal days are only available if your supervisor does not need you to work on Saturday and/or Sunday. Therefore, personal days may only be taken with the approval of your supervisor.

Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere

Money money money

Following the murders of five prostitutes in Ipswich and the arrest of two men, the press have been interviewing some of the murdered women's colleagues.

I wonder if any of them have put their prices up and are now advertising themselves in the local newspaper/paper shop window with the legend "as seen on TV".