Celebrity Spotting 2

I work in the media and have done for more years than I care to remember. However, except when I am interviewing them or in a television studio or at a party I rarely see celebrities out and about.

So because it happens so rarely, I have decided to detail any that do happen here.

Second one - former gangland enforcer Mad Frankie Fraser waiting for a bus on the Walworth Road, 2.30pm, Thursday 8 May 2008.

Pop star joy...

Congratulations to the former pop singer Sinitta on her adoption of two gorgeous children.

Several years ago, she gave me a fascinating interview for a magazine I was then working on.

By the way: she is 41 not 39. She was born in October 1966 and I have her on tape saying so.

Critics are half right on Amy

Commentators have recently compared singer Amy Winehouse and husband Blake Fielder-Civil to dead junkies Sid Vicious and Nancy Spungen.

This misses one important point. Both Vicious and Spungen were talentless wastes of space. Amy Winehouse is a remarkably talented young lady - only her skanky husband is the waste of space.

Memo to Sunday Mirror's "distinctive new voice" Fiona McIntosh: It's Fielder-Civil, not Civil-Fielder as you wrote in your debut column.

Stop the love-in

There are few people in the public eye now that can be described as "best-loved". In days gone by Britain's best-loved sitcom was Only Fools and Horses; best-loved magician Tommy Cooper; best-loved double act Morecambe and Wise and best-loved royal Queen Elizabeth the Queen Mother.

Now people are liked rather than loved. Tolerated for a brief time until they are no longer wanted.

This doesn't stop publishers referring to "best-loved". I have already commented on Julian Clary who is not one of Britain's "best-loved entertainers" despite what his publishers may think.

Two more incidences arise. Richard Hammond is "one of Britain's best-love television presenters" and Graham McCann is apparently "Britain's best-loved showbiz writer".

This is plainly nonsense.

As with Clary, when was the last time you heard someone say, "We must watch telly tonight Richard Hammond's on"?

And Graham McCann is not "Britain's best-loved showbiz writer" for two simple reasons: one, Britain does not have a best-loved showbiz writer, and two, no one has ever heard of him.

Enough of the luvvieness.

The Diana bandwagon rolls on...and on

On 31 August 1997 a woman and her boyfriend were killed when the car they were in, driven by a drunk, crashed in an underground tunnel in Paris.

Neither were wearing seat belts.

On Tuesday 2 October 2007 an inquest opened into the woman's death – it is expected to last six months and cost the British taxpayer £10million.

Why is this farrago allowed to go on?

Diana, Princess of Wales died because she was not wearing a seat belt and the driver of the car she was travelling in was driving too fast. That is the beginning and end of the story.

There was no assassination plot.

There was no MI6 involvement.

Prince Philip did not authorise a murder.

Diana was not pregnant.

Can we now please move on?

Sometimes prison does work...

The wife of convicted paedophile Chris Langham has said that he is being bullied and tormented in prison.

Apparently, he has been pelted with missiles, his cell has been flooded and the screws are ignoring him.

Oh dear. What a pity. Never mind.

Talking about MY generation

In the pantheon of rock'n'roll there are some incredible moments: Jimi Hendrix setting fire to his guitar, Keith Moon driving a Rolls Royce into a swimming pool, Jim Morrison exposing himself on stage to name but three that immediately spring to mind.

On Tuesday night the Rolling Stones played the Millennium Dome. During the course of the gig Keith Richards lit a cigarette on stage, followed by Ron Wood.

A member of the audience said, "It was a great rock'n'roll moment."

No, it wasn't it was a man who is a year short of being a pensioner lighting a fag. If whichever idiot who made the quote really does think that was a great rock'n'roll moment, he needs to get out more or stay in and read more books about the history of rock'n'roll.

Is Vicky such a devoted mum?

We are constantly told, not least by the lady herself, that Vicky Beckham is a devoted mother who puts her family above all else. The Beckhams tried to suggest that they did not even use the services of a nanny. This lie was exposed when one of them claimed that she had had an affair with David Beckham.

In today's 3am column in the Daily Mirror, there are four pictures of Vicky at three events she went to in one day in New York, naturally wearing three different outfits.

It wasn't that long ago that she supposedly wanted to be a hiphop star and Damon Dash was producing her album. This necessitated another long stay in New York.

When does Mrs Beckham find time to see her children and who is looking after them while she gallivants around the world?

TV Reviews: This is Your Life, Britain's Got Talent

This is Your Life is back and the first guest of honour (as Eamonn Andrews called them) was Simon Cowell.

No problems there but why on earth is Trevor McDonald hosting? Who in Network Centre thinks that it is a good idea to let him near any LE show?

For some bizarre reason, he hosts The British Comedy Awards despite having no discernible sense of humour, no personality and couldn't ad lib his way out of a paper bag.

And now, This is Your Life!

On to a show that had me laughing and crying - I have to confess I have never seen a Simon Cowell show before but had seen clips on YouTube of America's Got Talent (which he doesn't appear on).

Britain's Got Talent is brilliant - from the wacky (the angle grinder woman) to the genuinely moving (Paul the mobile phone salesman with no confidence but a voice that sends shivers down your spine). After two episodes I am hooked.

More, please.

Paris Hilton goes down... again

So the Paris Hilton saga rumbles on...

At the moment she is back in prison for violating her probation for drink-driving after being caught speeding on Sunset Boulevard with her car headlights off on 27 February 2007. Unbelievably, she has urged fans to sign a petition asking that she be spared jail because of her services to the public.

The Hollywood socialite has pleaded that she be pardoned for violating her probation because she provides beauty and excitement to "(most of) our otherwise mundane lives".

The 26-year-old endorsed the petition, which was written by a fan, on her MySpace website.

It reads: "Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. She provides hope for young people all over the US and the world."

Run that by me again... what hope does this spoilt, surgically-altered, vacuous airhead provide?

As Oscar Wilde said of the death of Little Nell, "It would take a heart of stone not to laugh."

Beckham's knighthood

Should David Beckham be knighted seems to be the question du jour?

Absolutely not. What has he actually achieved? Bobby Moore let England to our only World Cup win and didn't get a K. Geoff Hurst, who does have one, is the only man to score a hat-trick in a World Cup Final. Bobby Charlton, another stalwart of 1966, had to wait until 1994 before he became Sir Bobby.

As for the rest, an MBE sufficed.

What has Beckham actually achieved? How many times has he led England to victory in the World Cup or even the European Championship?

He is most known for his ridiculous voice, a series of daft hairstyles, having an affair with Rebecca Loos and wearing a sarong.

Should Beckham get a K? No.
Will he? Knowing Blair's pathetic posturing to celebrities and headline - probably.

Celebrity Spotting 1

I work in the media and have done for more years than I care to remember. However, except when I am interviewing them or in a television studio or at a party I rarely see celebrities out and about.

So because it is such a rare occurrence I have decided to detail any that do happen here.

First one: 5pm, 24 May 2007, former MP Martin Bell at Tottenham Court Road tube station - and yes, he was wearing a white suit.

The Doctor is too sexy

The third series of the new Doctor Who continues to entertain (apart from one boring episode so far, Gridlock).

However, one minor gripe why does writer head writer Russell T. Davies insist on inserting a gay agenda into the series?

Yes, I know he is homosexual and yes I have heard that Queer as Folk was brilliant. But this is Doctor Who for Heaven's sake.

He should be sexless.

If he can travel with the gorgeous Peri Brown (Nicola Bryant) and not raise an er eyebrow, why does he now appear to be some great sexual creature?

In the boring episode Gridlock why was it necessary to tell us (and all the watching children) explicitly that the two elderly women were lesbians?

And in Daleks in Manhattan why did he offer Frank the opportunity of kissing him?

It is unnecessary.

Film reviews

This week I watched two films that the critics raved over.

On Saturday night I watched Helen Mirren in The Queen. As we all know it won Mirren an Oscar but I didn't think I had watched an Academy Award-winning performance.

We knew the story - the royals' reaction to the death of Diana, Princess of Wales and how Tony Blair saved them.

It was an entertaining film but Oscar-winning? No. And one scene did make me laugh - when Alastair Campbell comes back from the meeting at the Palace to discuss Diana's funeral, he walks into Downing Street and exclaims, "Flipping heck!"

Alastair Campbell? Flipping heck? I don't think so...

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The other film was Borat.

I had seen clips and yes those clips did make me laugh but the whole film left an unpleasant taste in my mouth.

The Americans in the film were narrow-minded, bigoted or stupid but you can find those people in any country. And if some man tried to kiss me on a train, I think I would probably take umbrage as well. Similarly, if I was attending a function in a hotel, I would be shocked by the site of two naked men wrestling.

Good in small doses, not so funny in 1 hour and 20 minutes.

For God's sake woman, smile

Once again Victoria Beckham's "friends" have come forward to say how lovely and caring she is and how much her friends appreciate her sense of fun. She is apparently cheering up Katie Holmes and Geri Halliwell.

It's not the first time that we have been told that Vicky is a laugh-a-minute girl.

If it is true, why does she always look so miserable in public?

A quizzical evening

Tuesday night and it was off to the inaugural Barnardo's charity ball. Organised by Rachel Richardson, the showbiz editor of the News of the World and hosted by Richard Bacon, it was held in the ballroom of the Riverbank Plaza on Albert Embankment.

Around 400 journalists and PRs turned up in various teams such as ITV, BBC, Channel 4, Turner Broadcasting, Talkback Thames, Sunday Mirror, Daily Star, thelondonpaper, Cosmopolitan, Cohn and Wolfe, Sky One, Henry's House and The Sun.

There were eight rounds of five questions and I was quietly confident I could produce a good showing.

Quietly confident that is until the questions started and I stared blankly around. Fortunately, my colleagues were equally blank.

One question was "Which actress admitted to taking cocaine in April last year?" KG said, "Jessie Wallace" but the TV and Film Editor confidently stated it was Claire King. A youthful member of the team, mishearing, said, "Yes Carole King." I said, "No, she didn't take cocaine she just said it would rain until September" and was met by a completely blank face. Oh, the perils of getting old.

Another question was: "Who is the odd one out: Caprice, Amy Winehouse or Elle McPherson?" This produced several answers: McPherson, the other two are Jewish; Winehouse, the other two have lingerie lines; McPherson, the others have released records; Winehouse, she is the only one who used to work for me, etc, etc. The answer written by Rachel was McPherson - she is the only one who has been in rehab.

In the end we came seventh and scored a creditable 26 out of a possible 40 and this is our team, minus me (camera-shy person that I am).

Wednesday night and it was back to my usual pub quiz night and we won beating off more than a dozen teams to score 57/60, a nine-point lead over the second team. Now, that's the way to do it...

Vicky's Going to Hollywood

So the Beckhams are off to Tinseltown and he is to play for LA Galaxy while she peruses the midfield that is Melrose Avenue.

In today's Daily Mirror Karen Yallop, the wife of team captain Frank gives her views on her husband's new teammate's wife. I think Mrs Yallop doesn't know anything about Mrs Beckham.

Mrs Yallop says: "The players' wives are all lovely. There's no bitching, no cliques, no competing about clothes or fame or anything like that."

Victoria famously kept herself separate from the other Wags during the 2006 World Cup, socialising only with Cheryl Tweedy who was nicknamed Mini-Me as a consequence.

"When I lived in the UK, I worried about what I'd wear to Frank's game on Saturday.
It's not like that here. The wives turn up in jeans and trainers. We chat about our kids, the game and normal family things. Not designer clothes, hairdos and handbags."

I doubt in recent years that Victoria has ever worn a regular, non-designer, pair of jeans.

"Our husbands are away a lot - it's not like in England where an away game is a two-hour drive away. Here it can mean a very long flight. So the wives all get together to watch the games on TV while the children play. I often put on functions - it's a happy ship."

See point one about Victoria's social habits.

"If she is like me, it'll be the small things she'll miss from home. Cadbury's chocolate is the main thing for me - over here chocolate is much more grainy and sugary."

Chocolate, Victoria Beckham, same sentence? Unlikely.

"Frank misses his HP Sauce but his parents send that. So although I can't compete with Victoria's famous friends like Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise, and can't talk about my couture clothes, if she ever fancies bangers and mash with Heinz beans and brown sauce, she's very welcome."

Please, Mrs Yallop, don't hold your breath. I can't ever see the super skinny Vicky tucking into bangers and mash.

"The football scene over here is very different. They sing but they don't chant rude songs like they do in England so Victoria needn't worry."

Phew, no more chants of "Posh Spice takes it up the arse" to contend with.

"The wives don't discuss money though, we're not impressed by flashiness. We just talk about our lives."

Asking Vicky B not to discuss money might be difficult although she does love talking about her life.

"If she ever wants Heinz beans on toast and PG Tips tea, my door's always open."

Hmm, don't think so...

Despite the money, I don't think the Beckhams know what they have let themselves in for. This is going to be fun.

Beckham heads West on the money trail

So David Beckham is off to LA Galaxy in a five-year deal reported to be worth £128m. Having left Manchester United because he fell out with Sir Alec Ferguson he is now leaving Real Madrid having fallen out with their manager Fabio Capello. Something tells me Beckham does not take direction well.

Beckham is quoted as saying: "I am proud to have played for two of the biggest clubs in football and I look forward to the new challenge of growing the world's most popular game in a country that is as passionate about its sport as my own." It is always funny how Beckham's "statements" bear little resemblance to the inarticulate man who appears in television and radio interviews.

Why did he choose the USA? Simple really - no other club would have him. He is past his best and the wrong side of 30. He could not go back to Old Trafford. Arsene Wenger would not want him and nor, it must be said, did any other Premiership team.

Anyway, will he be a success in the States? Unlikely, I would have thought. Far better footballers than Beckham - Pele, Bobby Moore, and Franz Beckenbauer to name but three - couldn't stir interest in the game which is still mainly played by girls. It must be said that those three did not have Beckham's erm, outside interests. Still, when the Beckhams were trying to conquer the USA before it should be remembered that they were introduced at a dinner as "Victoria and Derek".

It's the end of his career as it was for Pele, Moore and Beckenbauer when they made the move Stateside and Beckham is looking for a big pay-out. Who can blame him although I doubt that he is being paid the reported £25½million a year. More likely, he is being paid that figure over the whole term of the contract.

So both Beckhams are on their professional uppers... couldn't happen to a nicer couple.

Interviews and the aftermath

From time to time in the course of my job I get to interview celebrities. The question I am most often asked by non-media people when they learn about the interviews is "What is xxxxx like?" It's quite often a difficult question to answer because the celeb wants positive coverage so is unlikely to behave like an idiot knowing full well that their bad behavior will get known either via the published feature or through swapping war stories with other hacks.

One celebrity I interviewed several years ago was a then famous singer. We chatted for some time before her PR asked if I had any more questions because the NME was waiting outside. I said that I only had one more. The singer then suggested that she do the next interview, I wait outside and come back afterwards.

I demurred, saying that I only had one more. Question duly asked, I thanked her and began packing away my tape recorder and notes. She again asked if I needed to come back after the NME. Again I said no and asked if she enjoyed doing interviews or whether she saw them as a necessary evil.

"I enjoyed this one. It's probably the best one I ever did."

Again, alarm bells did not ring. I bade her farewell and walked out onto Baker Street. The interview was published in a magazine, the Daily Mirror used it as a lead in their gossip column and I had another cut for the book.

Fast forward some years and said singer gives several interviews in which she says she had a sex addiction and had to have sex every day. This addiction was at its height during the time of my interview with her.

Was her constant suggestion that I come back later a guarded invitation for other more carnal and less vocal probing? I like to think so...

Who was this sexy singer?

My lips are sealed. A gentleman never not kisses and tells.

Cheer up, love

Why does Victoria Beckham always look so miserable? She has a handsome, if not terribly bright nor faithful husband, two healthy sons and more money than she can shake a stick at.

Yet is she happy? It appears not.

Okay, her music career is in the toilet because she can't sing for toffee and, let's face it, she was never the strongest dancer in the Spice Girls.

She has just launched a fashion book but seems to ignore her own advice (or, since she didn't actually write the book, is it her advice?).

Admittedly, when she smiles she does look like a simpleton and if her nostrils continue to grow at the present alarming rate she will look like Kenneth Williams when she is about 50.

And she is far too skinny but, hey, think of all the money... and for God's sake,woman, look a bit more happy.