We ain't that stoopid

Tabloid newspapers often publish pictures of attractive famous, semi-famous, infamous, someone we have never heard of women in skimpy outfits. No problems so far.

But would they please stop putting a quote from "an onlooker". Yesterday's News of the World's gossip column had a pic of Desperate Housewives star Nicollette Sheridan in a bikini. "An onlooker said: 'None of the guys could take their eyes off Nicollette.'" No, they didn't. We all know these are made-up so please stop insulting our intelligence.

Ease up on the Photoshop

One of the great inventions of recent years is Adobe Photoshop. Pictures can be edited (for which read manipulated) and unsightly blemishes can be removed (I think Tony Blair would like to Photoshop Gordon Brown out of Downing Street, but that's another matter).

However, some magazines are taking Photoshopping too far. Take, for example, the latest edition of Hello! There is a nine-page interview and photo shoot with the model Rachel Hunter. Rachel is 37 and the mother of two children. Now while no one would dispute that Miss Hunter is beautiful she is, as I said, 37 and the mother of two children. So why has the picture on page 78 been Photoshopped to within an inch of its life? Not a line, not a blemish in sight. Why? Is anyone really fooled?

A quizzical evening

Tuesday night and it was off to the inaugural Barnardo's charity ball. Organised by Rachel Richardson, the showbiz editor of the News of the World and hosted by Richard Bacon, it was held in the ballroom of the Riverbank Plaza on Albert Embankment.

Around 400 journalists and PRs turned up in various teams such as ITV, BBC, Channel 4, Turner Broadcasting, Talkback Thames, Sunday Mirror, Daily Star, thelondonpaper, Cosmopolitan, Cohn and Wolfe, Sky One, Henry's House and The Sun.

There were eight rounds of five questions and I was quietly confident I could produce a good showing.

Quietly confident that is until the questions started and I stared blankly around. Fortunately, my colleagues were equally blank.

One question was "Which actress admitted to taking cocaine in April last year?" KG said, "Jessie Wallace" but the TV and Film Editor confidently stated it was Claire King. A youthful member of the team, mishearing, said, "Yes Carole King." I said, "No, she didn't take cocaine she just said it would rain until September" and was met by a completely blank face. Oh, the perils of getting old.

Another question was: "Who is the odd one out: Caprice, Amy Winehouse or Elle McPherson?" This produced several answers: McPherson, the other two are Jewish; Winehouse, the other two have lingerie lines; McPherson, the others have released records; Winehouse, she is the only one who used to work for me, etc, etc. The answer written by Rachel was McPherson - she is the only one who has been in rehab.

In the end we came seventh and scored a creditable 26 out of a possible 40 and this is our team, minus me (camera-shy person that I am).

Wednesday night and it was back to my usual pub quiz night and we won beating off more than a dozen teams to score 57/60, a nine-point lead over the second team. Now, that's the way to do it...