There are less than two hours to go in 2006. What kind of year has it been?
Politically, it has been a disaster. Tony Blair has become the first sitting Prime Minister to be questioned by the police during a criminal investigation. And the story is not over yet. Mr Blair is not off the hook yet.
We were shocked/amazed/horrified to learn that his deputy John Prescott had not only been knocking off his secretary but that he played croquet at his taxpayer-funded home Dorneywood.
George Galloway, the Respect Party's only MP, made a tit of himself in January on Celebrity Big Brother. In the same show Jodie Marsh became the most unpopular contestant ever - being nominated by every contestant apart from Preston and the eventual winner Chantelle.
At least we will see the end of Tony Blair in 2007. Ten years ago, it had all started with so much promise and now it will end with disappointment, anger, humiliation and the possibility of a former Prime Minister in prison.
On the sporting front we lost the Ashes and got knocked out of the World Cup. Arsenal almost won the European Cup but Thierry Henry stayed.
On a personal front my Dad died from Clostridium difficile - a bug he picked up in hospital. Let's hope that this Government gets to grips with the NHS and ensures no one else has to suffer unnecessarily like this.
Happy New Year all.
Sunday, 31 December 2006
Saturday, 30 December 2006
The Blair Facts
Saddam Hussein was executed at 6am UK time today. President Bush has issued a statement on the hanging but from his co-toppler Tony Blair there has been nary a word. This from the man who felt the need to comment on the death of Frank Sinatra even though he had never met him and confessed that he was not a fan.
Still there's always time for some words. After all it took 1 hr 45 mins for Tony Blair to comment publicly on death of John Peel; 2 hrs to comment publicly on death of Jill Dando; 3 hrs 20 mins, to comment publicly on death of Diana, Princess of Wales; 7 hrs to comment publicly on death of Frank Sinatra; 12 hrs to comment publicly on death of George Harrison and an incredible four days to comment publicly on deaths of tens of thousands of tsunami victims.
Still there's always time for some words. After all it took 1 hr 45 mins for Tony Blair to comment publicly on death of John Peel; 2 hrs to comment publicly on death of Jill Dando; 3 hrs 20 mins, to comment publicly on death of Diana, Princess of Wales; 7 hrs to comment publicly on death of Frank Sinatra; 12 hrs to comment publicly on death of George Harrison and an incredible four days to comment publicly on deaths of tens of thousands of tsunami victims.
Sledging - Bad language warning
We have lost the 4th Test and a whitewash looks on the cards.
You don't have to know much about cricket to understand the sporting banter between the players of opposing teams.
1 Rod Marsh & Ian Botham
When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife and my kids?"
2 Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne
As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket,Warne told him he had been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.
3 Glenn McGrath bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes
"Hey Eddo, why are you so fucking fat?" Eddo Brandes: "Because every time I fuck your mother, she throws me a biscuit."
4 Robin Smith & Merv Hughes
During the 1989 Lords Test, Hughes said to Smith after he played and missed:"You can't fucking bat." Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary:"Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't fucking bat & you can't fucking bowl."
5 Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad
During the 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed."Tickets please," Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.
6 Merv Hughes & Viv Richards
During a Test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman:"In my culture we just say fuck off."
7 Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga
And, of course, you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one-dayer in Sydney: "You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat cunt!"
8 James Ormond & Mark Waugh
Ormand had just come out to bat on an Ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh.Mark Waugh: "Fuck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here?"There's no way you're good enough to play for England."James Ormond: "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family."
9 Glenn McGrath & Ramnaresh Sarwan
McGrath to Sarwan: "So what does Brian Lara's dick taste like?"Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife." McGrath [ losing it ]: "If you ever fucking mention my wife again,"I'll fucking rip your fucking throat out!"
10 Mark Waugh & Adam Parore
Waugh standing at second slip, Parore comes to the crease, playing and missing the first ball. Mark: "Oh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia."You were shit then, you're fucking useless now."Parore turning around: "Yeah, that's me. And when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly slut. And now I hear you've married her, you dumb cunt!"
11 Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga
Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, "Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."
12 Ravi Shastri vs the Aussie twelfth man
Shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a single. This guy gets the ball in and says,"If you leave the crease I'll break your fucking head." Shastri: "If you could bat as well as you can talk, you wouldn't be the fucking twelfth man."
13 Malcolm Marshall & David Boon
Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times. Marshall: "Now, David, are you going to get out now"or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"
14 Fred Trueman & Raman Subba Row
Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip,and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly: "I should've kept my legs together, Fred." "So should your mother," he replied.
You don't have to know much about cricket to understand the sporting banter between the players of opposing teams.
1 Rod Marsh & Ian Botham
When Botham took guard in an Ashes match, Marsh welcomed him to the wicket with the immortal words: "So how's your wife and my kids?"
2 Daryll Cullinan & Shane Warne
As Cullinan was on his way to the wicket,Warne told him he had been waiting two years for another chance to humiliate him. "Looks like you spent it eating," Cullinan retorted.
3 Glenn McGrath bowling to portly Zimbabwean chicken farmer Eddo Brandes
"Hey Eddo, why are you so fucking fat?" Eddo Brandes: "Because every time I fuck your mother, she throws me a biscuit."
4 Robin Smith & Merv Hughes
During the 1989 Lords Test, Hughes said to Smith after he played and missed:"You can't fucking bat." Smith to Hughes after he smacked him to the boundary:"Hey Merv, we make a fine pair. I can't fucking bat & you can't fucking bowl."
5 Merv Hughes & Javed Miandad
During the 1991 Adelaide Test, Javed called Merv a fat bus conductor. A few balls later Merv dismissed Javed."Tickets please," Merv called out as he ran past the departing batsman.
6 Merv Hughes & Viv Richards
During a Test match in the West Indies, Hughes didn't say a word to Viv, but continued to stare at him after deliveries. "This is my island, my culture. Don't you be staring at me. In my culture we just bowl." Merv didn't reply, but after he dismissed him he announced to the batsman:"In my culture we just say fuck off."
7 Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga
And, of course, you can't forget Ian Healy's legendary comment which was picked up by the Channel 9 microphones when Arjuna Ranatunga called for a runner on a particularly hot night during a one-dayer in Sydney: "You don't get a runner for being an overweight, unfit, fat cunt!"
8 James Ormond & Mark Waugh
Ormand had just come out to bat on an Ashes tour and was greeted by Mark Waugh.Mark Waugh: "Fuck me, look who it is. Mate, what are you doing out here?"There's no way you're good enough to play for England."James Ormond: "Maybe not, but at least I'm the best player in my family."
9 Glenn McGrath & Ramnaresh Sarwan
McGrath to Sarwan: "So what does Brian Lara's dick taste like?"Sarwan: "I don't know. Ask your wife." McGrath [ losing it ]: "If you ever fucking mention my wife again,"I'll fucking rip your fucking throat out!"
10 Mark Waugh & Adam Parore
Waugh standing at second slip, Parore comes to the crease, playing and missing the first ball. Mark: "Oh, I remember you from a couple years ago in Australia."You were shit then, you're fucking useless now."Parore turning around: "Yeah, that's me. And when I was there you were going out with that old, ugly slut. And now I hear you've married her, you dumb cunt!"
11 Ian Healy & Arjuna Ranatunga
Yet another Australian witticism with this time porky Sri Lankan batsman Arjuna Ranatunga the victim. Shane Warne, trying to tempt the batsman out of his crease mused what it took to get the plump character to get out of his crease and drive. Wicketkeeper Ian Healy piped up, "Put a Mars Bar on a good length. That should do it."
12 Ravi Shastri vs the Aussie twelfth man
Shastri hits it to this guy and looks for a single. This guy gets the ball in and says,"If you leave the crease I'll break your fucking head." Shastri: "If you could bat as well as you can talk, you wouldn't be the fucking twelfth man."
13 Malcolm Marshall & David Boon
Malcolm Marshall was bowling to David Boon who had played and missed a couple of times. Marshall: "Now, David, are you going to get out now"or am I going to have to bowl around the wicket and kill you?"
14 Fred Trueman & Raman Subba Row
Fred Trueman bowling. The batsman edges and the ball goes to first slip,and right between Raman Subba Row's legs. Fred doesn't say a word. At the end of the over, Row ambles past Trueman and apologises sheepishly: "I should've kept my legs together, Fred." "So should your mother," he replied.
The War on Terror Top 10
With Saddam dead, Gaza once again under Israeli tank fire and the Republicans booted out of Congress it's time to take a serious lookat our War on Terror with a top ten:
1 Talibanana Boat Song, Harry Belafonte
2 Mullah Kintyre, Wings
3 Wuthering Shi-ites, Kate W. Bush
4 Ayatollah Lately that I Love You? Van Morrison
5 Kabul up to the Bumper, Grace Jones
6 Yashmak My Bitch Up, The Prodigy
7 Hamas to Fall, Queen
8 Red Right Hand, Nick Cave and the Islamabad Seeds
9 Kandahar Days Night, The Beatles
10 (Sad)damn I Wish I Was your Lover, Sophie B Hawkins
1 Talibanana Boat Song, Harry Belafonte
2 Mullah Kintyre, Wings
3 Wuthering Shi-ites, Kate W. Bush
4 Ayatollah Lately that I Love You? Van Morrison
5 Kabul up to the Bumper, Grace Jones
6 Yashmak My Bitch Up, The Prodigy
7 Hamas to Fall, Queen
8 Red Right Hand, Nick Cave and the Islamabad Seeds
9 Kandahar Days Night, The Beatles
10 (Sad)damn I Wish I Was your Lover, Sophie B Hawkins
You don't have to be mad to work there...
From an unnamed company:
Company Policy:Effective 1 November 2006
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. Personal days are only available if your supervisor does not need you to work on Saturday and/or Sunday. Therefore, personal days may only be taken with the approval of your supervisor.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere
Company Policy:Effective 1 November 2006
Dress Code
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday. Personal days are only available if your supervisor does not need you to work on Saturday and/or Sunday. Therefore, personal days may only be taken with the approval of your supervisor.
Bereavement Leave
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere
How much 2: The costs have started rising already
I said that I would probably be posting several times on the spiralling costs of hosting the 2012 Olympics.
This could be a post that runs and runs.
As David Harrison writes in The Sunday Telegraph: “The bill for clearing businesses and residents from the London Olympics site has risen by £250million from the original official estimates – and the figure is expected to be even higher by the time the bulldozers arrive in July [2007].
“The cost of evicting hundreds of companies and residents has soared from £370million in a 2002 feasibility study to at least £620million – with dozens of businesses still to be compensated.
“The rise in relocation costs is in addition to the £900million bill increase announced in November by Tessa Jowell, the Secretary for Culture, Media and Sport, which included £400million for hiring a project management consortium.”
Why is it that nothing run by governments seems to run on time or to cost? This is our money that they are wasting. Ours - mine and yours. Who is accountable? No one. It is about time that governments were held to account like private companies and the minister in charge sacked if projects go over time and over budget.
This could be a post that runs and runs.
As David Harrison writes in The Sunday Telegraph: “The bill for clearing businesses and residents from the London Olympics site has risen by £250million from the original official estimates – and the figure is expected to be even higher by the time the bulldozers arrive in July [2007].
“The cost of evicting hundreds of companies and residents has soared from £370million in a 2002 feasibility study to at least £620million – with dozens of businesses still to be compensated.
“The rise in relocation costs is in addition to the £900million bill increase announced in November by Tessa Jowell, the Secretary for Culture, Media and Sport, which included £400million for hiring a project management consortium.”
Why is it that nothing run by governments seems to run on time or to cost? This is our money that they are wasting. Ours - mine and yours. Who is accountable? No one. It is about time that governments were held to account like private companies and the minister in charge sacked if projects go over time and over budget.
Thursday, 28 December 2006
Christmas Day at the Office
As most people were busy opening presents and/or preparing far too much food for Christmas lunch, I was waiting for my car to take me into work.
The office was paying but I must say that I expected an old mini-cab or the like. Imagine my surprise when a limo pulled up and I clambered into the back to be whisked to work in luxury. It’s probably the only time that I will know what it’s like to be a national newspaper editor (whenever I have been an editor – four times so far, in case you are interested – it has been on a magazine and I have had to use the Tube like everyone else).
I was rather surprised to see a family of six looking disappointed to find that McDonald’s was closed on the day. I don’t want to be churlish but a) Who on earth has their Christmas lunch at McDonald’s? and b) How thick do you have to be not to realise that it will be shut on 25 December?
There was a skeleton staff producing the newspaper and the canteen was supplying what they called “a limited menu”, albeit free. It’s the first time I have had bacon, sausages and baked beans for Christmas dinner. Unlike the McDonald’s family, I got my fast food and still had the limo home to look forward to.
Then the company got the bill - £254! But I'm worth it!!
The office was paying but I must say that I expected an old mini-cab or the like. Imagine my surprise when a limo pulled up and I clambered into the back to be whisked to work in luxury. It’s probably the only time that I will know what it’s like to be a national newspaper editor (whenever I have been an editor – four times so far, in case you are interested – it has been on a magazine and I have had to use the Tube like everyone else).
I was rather surprised to see a family of six looking disappointed to find that McDonald’s was closed on the day. I don’t want to be churlish but a) Who on earth has their Christmas lunch at McDonald’s? and b) How thick do you have to be not to realise that it will be shut on 25 December?
There was a skeleton staff producing the newspaper and the canteen was supplying what they called “a limited menu”, albeit free. It’s the first time I have had bacon, sausages and baked beans for Christmas dinner. Unlike the McDonald’s family, I got my fast food and still had the limo home to look forward to.
Then the company got the bill - £254! But I'm worth it!!
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