That's not what the bodyguard's for, Vicky...

The idiocy of Vicky Beckham knows no bounds.

The silicon-enhanced Wag went shopping in a supermarket - Whole Foods, in Beverly Hills - recently.

She was accompanied by a bodyguard who carried the shopping for her.

Now, Vicky, the point of a bodyguard is to protect your body if someone attacks you. It is difficult for him to do that if he has his hands full with your shopping, you stupid bint.

Leave the Street alone

Today The Sun runs a story on Page 3 that a new Coronation Street producer has plans to sack “up to five of the soap’s longest-serving actors".

An on-set source said yesterday: “There is a feeling the show needs a younger and sexier feel."

As a long-term viewer of Coronation Street, might I ask why?

Which soap has the youngest and sexiest stars? Hollyoaks.

Which is the least watched soap? Hollyoaks.

The Sun adds that "It is felt some of the older stars are holding back the show".

Remember when Emmerdale introduced all those sexy advertising posters? Remember when Emmerdale hired Phil Redmond to spice up the show? He arranged for a plane to drop on the village.

Emmerdale is still the third most watched soap behind EastEnders and Coronation Street.

The Sun's source says, “The recent stars have been younger characters like David Platt, but many of the older characters are on huge money and are hardly involved."

And has there been a more detestable, loathsome, unsympathetic character as David Platt?

If the producers think that filling the Street with characters like David, watch the viewing figures drop.

Coronation Street's strength has always been its strong female characters: Ena Sharples, Annie Walker, Elsie Tanner, Hilda Ogden, Vera Duckworth, Bet Lynch, Cilla Battersby-Brown - its skill is that its storylines are character-led not issue-led.

How many fans really care about David or Sean or Molly or Paul or, for that matter, Leanne? They do care about Rita, Betty, Jack, Emily, Ken and Deidre, even Blanche.

They are the real Coronation Street as well as the reel one.

Nay, nay and thrice nay Mr Walliams

BBC4 is showing a series of docudramas on the lives of light entertainment performers: so far they have covered Wilfrid Brambell and Harry H. Corbett (Steptoe and Son), Tony Hancock, Hughie Green and, last night, Frankie Howerd.

Frankie Howerd: Rather You Than Me was the one I was most looking forward to: it also turned out to be the most disappointing of the four.

David Walliams played Howerd and Rafe Spall was his long-suffering younger boyfriend Dennis Heymer. Spall was fine as Heymer but Walliams didn't succeed as Howerd.

In pre-publicity, Walliams revealed that he and Little Britain partner Matt Lucas were brought together by their mutual love of Frankie Howerd and doing impressions of him. It seems there is a difference between back stage banter and being able to sustain an hour-long drama as Howerd.

A disappointment.

Nasty Naomi and the wimpy WPC

Naomi Campbell is a nasty piece of work.

So I am not surprised by her latest outburst at Heathrow last Thursday (3 April 2008) where she has been accused of spitting at a policeman.

Now the police claim she called a WPC a “white cunt” and a “white slag” as she was dragged off the LA-bound jet in handcuffs. The police source said Naomi continued, screaming: “fucking white honkeys” at the officer and her colleagues.

It's said that BA have banned Campbell for life - it's the least she deserves. Well, that and a short spell in prison.

But look at this from Gordon Smart's report in today's Sun.

A senior police source said yesterday: “It’s a bit rich coming from her. The WPC said she was called a white this and a white that. She has been away from work since the incident.”

A WPC gets shouted at by some pampered prima donna and she is off work for a week. How long before she sues for "com-pen-say-shun"?

Gormless Gemma strikes again

Gorgeous face and chest though she may have, you do wonder just how thick Gemma Atkinson actually is.

Talking about a scene in the film Boogie Woogie, gormless Gemma says, "I'd literally just met [Jaime Winston] and had to have sex with her.

Gemma, you didn't. It was simulated.

You're repeating yourself Mr Gaunt

I'm a fan of Jon Gaunt - The Sun's forthright columnist and usually agree with everything he says.

This week he should have a word with the subs to say that they should pay more attention to his column.

Talking about the poor service he receives from BT he reports that he was "connected to some woman who can repeat the script in front of her but like a contestant on Just a Minute can't deviate, repeat or depart from her prepared speech".

Challenge.

Isn't "deviate" and "depart from her prepared speech" repetition?

Grow up - Harry Potter is for kids

I have never read a Harry Potter book. In fact, I haven't read any children's books since I was, er, a child.

That's the point of them - they are for children.

On occasion, I would see some inadequate weirdo adult on the tube reading a Harry Potter book. I always wonder if they cannot cope with adult books.

Now, three of these freaks have told The Sun that they cannot cope without a fix of Potter.

One, Jamie Knights from Bristol, is 27!! He says unbelievably, "I have never felt grief like it when I closed the seventh book...it is like someone close to me has died."

Equally implausibly Knights has a girlfriend.

Another nutter is Lizzie Dowd who is 21 and claims that the characters are her best friends.

Give me strength.